YOU

I sit here smoking, drinking, thinking about you, and asking myself questions which have no answers. Who is he? Why him? Why me? Where is he now? The questions will always be there, never fade. But, in the long run, that's okay.

Can't you see? I want you a lot, but I love you so much more. I don't know why, I feel this way. You have captured it all, my mind, my body, my heart, and, yes even now,my soul. I gave it to you freely, to do what you want with it. But I must beg you to be kind. Please don't hurt me.

For I couldn't recover from this love which is so blind. You are my world it's so plain to see. You are the light which guides me. What does she have that I don't? What is so great about her? Is she better than I? Does she love you more? Could she love you like I could? I don't know.

And that's why I fear in the long run she will always have what I don't .

You.


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I AM WHO I AM

I am a child making mistakes
I am an adult who is living my life
I am a human that bleeds when hurt
I am a person who cries when truly touched
I am the average one that everyone over looks
I am the eye that catches your glance
I am the blush that catches you off guard
I am the woman before your eyes
I am a mother who protects the weak
I am a daughter for my parents to guide
I am a sister when there is no where else to turn to
I am a lover that caresses in ways you dream of
I am a friend to those who wish it
I am a student so that I may learn
I am a teacher so that I may teach
I am the answer to the questions unasked
I am the question to answers unfound
I am a tree rooted in the forest
I am a cloud drifting by
I am a grain of sand ever shifting
I am a flame flickering in the breeze
I am a healer so that I may help
I am a hag who is there to nag
I am a people watcher so I may truly see
I am a psychic so that I can see beyond myself
I'm a soul searcher that knows who I really am
I am who I am
So who are you?

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HUMAN INSTINCTS

In the beginning, there was something called jealousy.

All it did was want.

The pet of it was named greed.

It fed off of jealousy but it was never full.

Jealousy had a cloth that previoulsy covered its left face.

It took it off, and then there was shame, with the distasteful marks that it wanted to hide on its face, waiting to face the truth.

Truth harmed shame, and as it sobbed of pain, it said, “I want to be innocent.”

Jealousy took over and said , “Why can't you ? It isn't fair that others can, is it? One way or another, together, we can acheive.”

Greed kept chewing on jealousy's leg.

Later, from the mix of jealousy ,greed, and shame, came anger,perversion, and embarrasment. And more were to come.

But there was one unlike the others.

That came from shame and greed.

Oddly enough, it was named ...hope.

But in the end, they all wanted.

P.S. I really don't know what I had intended to write. Its a lot of things that were going on in my mind. Its come out as a "khichdi". Maybe I wanted to say a lot of things but ran out of words. I know its a little wierd post but please tell me what you thought about it. I really need a lot of feedback.

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A LETTER FROM GOD

Dear humanity,

I am god, and it has been brought to my attention that you're all making a total mess of everything.

Not just a bit of a mess, but a total kitchen, after a rather good party that just did not want to end in kind of mess.

How hard can it be?

You have a nice planet to live on, plenty of resources, you have evolved to the point where you can perform miracles that make the miracles I did when I was into doing that kind of thing, look like party tricks and all you seem to be able to do is fuck it up, (excuse the language but it does make me rather mad).

You understand a lot, but understand nothing.

You can't get along, you squabble like children and your squabbles always seem to end in a lot of people being killed, starved or maimed.

Have any of you had a good look around, do you see any of the other creatures who have the misfortune to share the planet with you acting like that? (When I say other creatures, I mean the ones you have not destroyed as yet).

You do not, and quite frankly I am very nearly out of patience with you, and my patience is almost infinite.

This should go some way to explaining how mad I really am.

You're all gods creatures, yes all of you, the Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, Christians, Jews, Parsis and even those of you without any god, yes, every last man, woman and child.

There are no chosen people where I am concerned, you're all equal, the only thing any religion on earth has got right is the fact there is a god, other than that you're all wrong, and have used your bigotry to hurt and enslave your fellow creatures, (perhaps this is my fault and I should have put you right a long time ago but I did not want to interfere).

So I'm putting you all on probation.

Start being nice to each other or else! (I am God, The God, the only God that I know of, so please trust me when I say that you don't want to know what ELSE is, but it's pretty well god awful and will almost certainly involve the human race ceasing to exist,which would I'm sure will come as a great relief to everything other than yourselves).

There is no need for war; there is no need for anyone to starve.

I'm not saying you have to be perfect, I'm saying just be better.

You are the same, but you're obsessed with superficial differences.

The colour of your skins, in what form you worship me, in what language you speak, on what piece of land you happen to live on.

Come on people get a grip, seeing it written down like that does it not strike you that none of that matters, that they are things of absolutely no consequence at all.

Have a little respect for each other, that's all I'm asking, its not hard; treat each other how you yourself would like to be treated. (Do you need examples I expect you do).

Ask yourself would you like to be torn limb from limb by a missile and see your family torn apart?

Let me guess, the answer is no.

Well then, and I know this is the difficult part, don't do it to someone else.

How about starvation, would you like to see yourself and your children slowly starve, getting weaker day by day, seeing there pain and suffering?

No?

Well then, don't let other people starve, (there is enough of everything to go round).

You're bright creatures you can work it out.

Religion, well its probably better if I gloss over that as much as possible, as it seems to do strange things to you, you may well be better off getting rid of the whole concept, as it's just an awfully big stick with which to hit each other with.

You all have some pretty nice stories you know, the basics are pretty much the same.

Don't kill each other, love each other, be nice to each other, respect each other.

They're not bad codes with which to live your lives, and if you had left it there the world would be in a much better state than its in.

But you're human, and you in your infinite wisdom, (sorry just had a coughing fit after using the word wisdom and human in the same sentence), decided that the best way to achieve love, harmony and all that, was to go to war and kill every blighter that did not believe in how to get to love, harmony etc in the same way as you.

All this hell and damnation for anyone that deviated from what you call normal, it's disgraceful it really is.

So a few points.

1. I don't care who has sex with whom, men with men, men with women,women with women, frankly humanity I don't give a damn, (all religious leaders and a good number of politicians take note). Yes, I know there is that having babies thing, but take a look around, not exactly a shortage of people now is there, you know it makes sense.

2. Men and women are the same, they are equal, neither of you arebrighter, better, kinder. (Is that simple enough for you).

3. I only made one planet and at my age I have no intention of making another. (you have again been warned)

I'm going to leave you with these words, again I have made them simple. Be nice, be happy, have long and happy lives, try and do as little harm as possible. Follow the above and we are going to get along just fine.

Your's always

God


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ALL ABSOLUTE

It never seemed to slip so damn easily.
Never before had the way been lost with such routine.
Again and again we fall into the lightless drudge of our worldly lives.
See only the harsh, well-defined aspects of an agreed upon society.
Feel only the lying, cheating souls of some sort of ‘moral decay'.
Dwell upon forces of chaotic pain and inextinguishable guilt for loved ones.
Living and acting in relationships framed of pride and the deepest jealousy.
Endlessly running to our jobs that make us sick to provide for the families we never have time to see or love.
And yet we wonder ‘what the hell could be wrong?'
The realization is in the release of all these patterns of illogical behavior.
Yet that is not enough, we must also abandon our logic.
We can always glimpse the divine, but never can our eyes rest upon it.
Those moments of pure harmony with all that is, are the moments we must hold on to.
When the formerly separate and indescribable becomes crystal clear and all attempts at any Euclidian logic are worthless.
This eternal loss of time and aspect is the true nature of god and ourselves.
It's the point at which our self is dissolved into the endlessness of our world and a true peace may be found.
To truly live we must accept both and all aspects of our lives and hold them with the same importance and gravity as all the rest.
We must understand that good, evil, truth, and lies are all aspects of the same, none of which are relative but all are absolute.

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MOMENTS

Life is about Moments.
I read somewhere that “life is not about the amount of breaths we take but about the moments that take our breath away”.
Is that really true?
I guess every moment changes us.
Every instance in our lives stays with us.
It leaves marks whether we want it to or not.
Whether we decide to accept it or ignore it
It happened.
That moment did take place.
And very few have the strength to accept it and move with it.
While others pretend like it never happened.....

I don't know which one of those people I am.
I do have magic momentsthat I have experienced whether it was on my own sitting in my room, or with people close to me,or having complete strangers whisper words of encouragement when the world seemed to be against me.
Whether it was my nephew staring at me with his innocent eyes, oblivious to the vices of this world or my dog sitting at my feet while I cried.
God knows what it was but it did happen.
And when instances such as these do take place. I do feel there is more out there than me.
There is more to life than those little instances that caused me hurt or pain.
And the world doesnt feel like such a bad place after all.
I tell myself "I will survive" and then I smile...
Looking at the sky and seeing the birds fly when I have been stuck in traffic for over 30 minutes is a sight that could put a smile on my face.
The stress is forgotten for that moment.
So magic moments do really exist I guess for me.
When I'm feeling like the entire world is coming down on my head,
When I just want to get out but I don't know where to go,
I go and sit on my roof.
I watch the sky, the birds, I always see the clouds in the form of animals. I
have seen horses and rabbits and wolves.
And I wonder What is the significance of it all?
The more I think about it the further I am away from the pain that put me there in the first place.
I see the birds flying above me and it puts a smile on my face.
So then I think and I wonder why I let things upset me to a point where I have to isolate myself to see such beauty in the simplicity of life which is free and for all of us.
How hard is it for one to sit under a tree and look at the sky?
How hard is it for us to appreciate the basic things in life we take for granted.
And then, what meaning do each of us derive from this experience?
So many questions I have and to most of them I don't have the answers.
And I wonder when will the day come when I learn the difference between
"knowing the path and walking the path".



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WE ARE MADE OF STARS

You are the stuff of stars.
A corney come-on line?
Yes. But its also a scientific fact.
Look at your hand, you'll see skin, hair, maybe a couple of nails.
If you could see closer, you'd find a mix of molecules, made up of oxygen, hydrogen, and carbon. Do you know where these base elements come from?
Scientists have hypothesized that the entire periodic chart, every base element of the universe, was actually the byproduct of a star going nova.
You, me, all of us, we were a part of a star.
We weren't at the corona, not the part one could've seen, we were all deep within a star-once. Perhaps once we provided light to warm a planet.
Perhaps across some great distance, two creatures look at us, looked at each other, and knew that they were in love.
We were a star.
We are a part of the universe, we always will be.
We are all part of this universe.
This realization, this understanding, should both daunt and awe you.
Awe, in your importance, and then daunt, in the weight it requires in dealing with others.
For they were a part of that star with us.
They are just as unique, just as important as we are.
They may be confused by this, they may forget this.
They may not treat others with the kindness, and importance which this demands others be treated.
But they were still part of that same star that we were, once.


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PAIN

Pain is a teacher.
It can blind you or it can teach you.
When you receive pain, often times, you have a choice.
You can let your pain blind you to that pain in others.
Or you can use it to learn to help yourself, and understand others.
You are not perfect.
There will be many times when you fail to live up to being the sort of person you want to be, but that doesn't mean you should give up.
There will be times in your life when you feel pain so intense, you don't think you can go on.
It will make you want to say, "To hell with it".
For if they can't help you with your pain, why would you choose to help someone else with theirs?
Life is short, right?
That trap is one of life's most insidious. But if you can somehow drive through it, you can gain a divine understanding.

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INDIVIDUALITY

The earth is never in the same place, twice.
A lot of people get confused by this, but its actually the most important thing I've ever learned. The earth is rotating around the sun, but people forget that the sun is rotating.
It is changing its relative position every moment of every day.
And while you might look around, and think you are in the same place you were yesterday, you have moved.
Others have traveled with you, but they have moved as well.
Every one has different experiences, everyone learns something different, and learns differently, along their travels.
No one in the world, or in the history of mankind, understands things quite like you do.
This makes you, and everyone else, specifically unique in the history of the universe.
This is not something to be afraid of.
We are all different, but it is these differences that teach us about ourselves.
About what is important, and what isn't.
Far too many people worry about being normal, about hiding the things that make them feel embarrassed, or awkward.
This is not right.
It is those differences that teach us, and show us what it means to be human.
It is the differences that both define us, and unite us.
The emotions we all seek, the love we all need.
The desire to hold and be held.
That is the nature of humanity.
Always seperate from another, but always the same.

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GIRLS AND WOMEN, BOYS AND MEN

My friend recently had a baby girl. This got me started on thinking on what I would want to tell any daughters I might have in the future, so I started trying to think of what it was important to tell someone I cared about, who was just starting to date.These are the things which I had picked up and figured out in my life as a girl and woman.

Women mature faster then boys, but only physically.
Older boys feedthe 'mature faster' line to younger girls for two reasons.
One, they know older boyfriends are status symbols for younger girls; and two, they know younger girls are more malleable - so they can probably get them to do what they want.
It is not a sign of social status to be dating a 25 year old when you are 17.
It means you are gullible and naive, and he's being contemptous of you as a person.
It probably also means he doesn't think he's good enough to be with an adult.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Boy's lie, men don't . . . (well, not as often).
Boys just want you to not be mad at them, (at least right now).
They tend to think in the short term, and always like to live in the moment.
They can be a lot of fun.
You just don't want to rely on them.
Men know that eventually - what they do and the type of person they are is going to catch up to them.
It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but its still going to be out there.
They also know its better to have a small fight today, then a big fight tomorrow.
Or a huge fight next week. Or a divorce in a year.

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COURAGE

Four Great Questions:
Who are you?
What do you want?
Why are you here?
Where are you going?
Most of us never completely answer these questions.
We shy away from them, because we're not sure of the answers ourselves.
But they are intrinsic to human happiness, because inside yourself, inside of everyone, some part of us is always asking these questions of ourselves.
Many hide from them, ashamed or afraid of the answers they would have to give, if they were being honest with themselves.
There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, or a bad choice.
Or simply not knowing the answer.
But there is a problem when you become so scared, that you run from these questions.
Your courage will always have to come from within yourself.
Others may give you hope, or a good reason for your courage, but it will always have to come from within yourself.


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LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

You have to be happy with who you are, before you can be with someone else.
This sounds simple, but its actually fairly tricky.
The only time when someone else really makes you angry, is when you see in them parts of yourself you don't like.
If you don't like who you are, you can't be happy with someone else.
Now everyone needs someone else in their life to be happy.
We are social animals, we are designed through evolution and socialization to seek to be a part of something with someone else.
But if there are no parts of yourself you really like, all you will ever see in someone else is your own failings.
Their cowardice becomes your cowardice.
Their lies become your own dishonesty.
Their anger merely reflects your rage.
Their inability to change, to grow into something more, is really just your own resentment at your own obstinancy.
Your own anger that you can't grow into something more.
Your own fear of changing.


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CHANGE

You should know who you want to be, before you go looking for who you want to be with.
The only constant that you will find in this world is that it is changing.
In a thousand different ways, in a thousand different forms.
Tomorrow will be different than today.
And so will you. You will grow, you will learn.
What seems to be life - altering mportant to you today will be less inportant to you tomorrow, and may not mean anything in two years.
You should find someone who respects you, and whom you respect.
They should also help you become the type of person you want to be, and you should be able to help them become who they want to be.
If this isn't the case, why are you with this person - and why are they with you?

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LOVE TEACHES

There is a difference in knowing something in your mind, and in your heart and soul. Intellectually understanding something is very easy.
Its just a question of looking at the information, looking at what you do and don't know and try to make a wise decision.
But heart and soul are different than your mind.
The heart will hold unto things, and never accept things that the mind can easily understand. That boy your mind is telling you to be with, because he's so kind to you, but your heart doesn't have feelings for.
And you dont control your feelings, only your actions.
To me, this is a part of what makes love so special.
The odds of really falling for someone, and having them really fall for you.
These are shots in the dark and they dont happen that often.
But you find someone who makes you feel happy about being you.
Who makes it easy for you to get up in the morning, just so you can see them.
Who makes the hard things easy, just because you know you can be with them later.
Who gives you faith in humanity, because they are a part of it.
This is love, near as I can tell.
Its like they are a part of you, you didnt even know you had until you met them.
The heart recognises and thinks in this language.
It can also hate in this language as well.
The heart takes longer time to heal and learn.
But its only when you know something in your heart that you truly believe it.
Love makes you learn with your heart, not your mind.


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TRYING

If you want to know someone, don't ask them what truths they know.
Ask them what lies they need.
We are all much more sensitive, and weaker creatures; then we will ever admit to.
We are all far more scared then we are willing to let on.
We are all far less independent then we would like to be.
Most of us claim that we don't let others negative opinions affect us.
Most of us say we would do the right thing, if no one was looking.
Maybe we would, but many of us wouldn't.
We are never completely who we wish we could be.
We always think we could always stand to be better looking, or smarter.
Kinder, funnier, somehow better.
We all use lies, in different ways, to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.
And yet all of us claim to love truth.
It is tough to look in the mirror and not see who we wish we could be, so we use lies to make ourselves look better.
We are just scared.
We're just imperfect.
We're just human.
We're just taking a little while longer then we'd like to become who we want to be.
There are times in your life when you will build who you are off of a lie, because you can't stand to face the truth.
Oftentimes, this is because we are not yet ready to face this truth.
Its always easier to believe in the myth of pure evil.
Its much harder to learn to understand, to be brave in the face of fear.
To try.
To love.
That's what makes trying so important.

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LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

No one can change your life for you.
You could spend your entire life, utterly miserable and it would never change.
Many are always waiting for something good to happen to them, for that one great shot.
This is wrong.
This is self delusion.
This is just wallowing in your own misery.
Everyone has hurt, everyone has their own confusions.
No one has all the answers. We may think that we do, from time to time, but we don't.
When one thinks they have all the answers, they are suffering from a moment of blindness.
We are all scared, we are all crazy, we are all stupid.
Sometimes we are two out of three, sometimes we are all three.
Do not let these three traps lock you into doing something that you know is wrong, and you later regret.
Do not sit around, waiting for some perfect person to come along and fix your life for you.
It will have to be you who fixes the problems in your life.
No one else can, no one else should.
If another is making all your choices, you are not living your life; you are living the life another has chosen for you.
And the truth is, you only get one.


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MISTAKES

We will make mistakes.
We are only human.
It would be wonderful if we could have a perfect life, never do things we later regretted. Never hurt the people who cared about us, and were never hurt by them.
Unfortunately that means we would only interact with god and his saints, and we are currently living on planet earth.
Learning to forgive oneself for our mistakes is one of the greatest gifts we will ever give ourselves.
Learning to forgive another, when its the most difficult thing we can imagine doing, is the greatest gift we can give to them.
It can also be the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves.

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WHY BE SCARED OF REJECTION????

Rejection/Failure sucks, never trying is always worse.
Love is difficult, it is painful, and there are always things that will go wrong.
Love will make you hurt worse then you ever imagined you could.
Love will make you crazy, blind, and more then you ever imagined you could be.
Love is not supposed to be easy.
If it were, it wouldn't be appreciated the way it is.
Love is supposed to be difficult.
We are social creatures.
Our children are our links to the future.
Our parents are our guides to the past.

I regret the guys I never got to know better because they didn't feel the way I felt about them. I despise myself for the guys I never got to know as well as I would have liked because I was too scared to try to tell them how I felt about them. I've have made a large number of excuses and justifications for why I didn't tell the guys I cared for the way I felt about them. "They wouldn't have felt the way I did." "They were happier just as friends." "It would have wrecked what I already had with them, and I wanted to keep them around." These were all nice little excuses, but they were really just letting me let fear control my life.

When I gave up getting fearful of failure I ended up being proud of a moment when I told someone I cared about them. After that I've never regretted exposing myself to the risk of rejection. I've never been ashamed of trying to be more then I was. Because that's what love is.

Its attempting to forge a better person in yourself, by connecting to another person in a way different then no one else ever will again. Every love I've ever had has made me grow as a woman. Has made me happier as woman. Has made me braver, stronger, more convinced in the inherent decency of man. Now I probably wouldn't have said that at the time.

There were times that I was sure love was going to suck me up and spit me out, and I've played it conservative. I've seen people who treat love as an excuse to hurt others, or try to patch up their own hurts. This isn't them loving anyone, not even themselves. This is them crying out in the dark for help, for someone else to save them. They don't realize that they have to help themselves. But overall, love is divine.

It is the ultimate exposure of oneself. It is risk, all of who you are, for judgement by another. It is the only time we are really alive. And you can have fun, alone. But you are alive, really alive, when you connect with another. These people you connect with can be friends, confidants, as close as sisters to you. But it is only when you offer your whole heart, your whole soul, your own being, that you are alive. And its a hell of a rush.

There will be more failures then successes. There will be great heartache. But if you are not loving, with your entire soul, you are not alive yet. You are merely surviving. There is a fine line between living and surviving. So live just dont survive, no matter if it results in a failure/rejection. At least you lived!!!!!!!!


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