I BELIEVE

3 years of loving, fighting and shring emotional space came to dust a few months ago. Yes, a lot of us have gone through break ups, some unlucky ones like me have had to live through them more than just once.

What was different with this breakup was that in letting him go i set myself free, found myself for the first time. Its almost as if there was enough place for either him or me and so when he walked out suddenly there was so much room for me to spread out.

Like most women i would re-invest even the interest i was getting in this love account so that i was assured a future with unlimited care and love.

Of course as love would have it, I was robbed off all my dreams and plans.

After having spent nearly a year in wooing me, chasing after me and nearly getting killed himself to have me by his side, he realized that he cant stand anything that i stand for. He said he despises the way i dress, the way i carry myself, how confident and independent i am etc. etc.

I was shattered initially because the easiest reaction is to drown in self pity and keep busy in "why me" crying sessions.

And then i started reading self help books. Intimacy by Osho was one of them. He says something that strikes a right chord PEOPLE ARE INTIMIDATED BY AN ATTRACTIVE PARTNER. I thought about this; it makes sense doesn't it? Its so much safer and easier to be with someone who is inconspicious, who does not have any real opinion and most of all who does not attract others.


Its all a power trip; you want to be in control of each situation and that is really tough when your partner is at the same level as you.


So my healing process started after this revelation. I realized i was intimidating my boyfriend and in this case it was a woman who was the stronger partner. The realationship started showing cracks when he started getting insecure about the fact that i was better than him in all respects. In the past I supressedmy very independent traits and even condemned myself for wanting my own space against his liking. But the cracks turned into fissures and finally we broke up.


But now i believe that if you do not accept yourself how can you allow someone else to accept you? If you dont love yourself how can anyone else?

Each day i learn something new about myself. I realized the other day that i'm capable of getting past my worst fears; whether its abseiling down the tenth floor of a building or seeing him with another girl. I love that ability I have. I think each one of us owe it to ourselves to spend at least half the time we spend loving someone else to getting know ourselves and falling in love with us first.

I BELIEVE IN KNOWING AND LOVING MYSELF FIRST. A relationship with someone is important but what is more imperative is to have a loving relationship with yourself first. That does not mean i am selfish or narcisstic. It just means that i am happy being myself.

SOME MOMENTS

main quanat mein saayaron main bhatakta raha
dhoop main dhool main uljhi kisi kiran ki tarah

main bhatakta hoon sadiyon se iss zamin pe gira
jo waqut se katkar ushi lamhe ki tarah

watan mila to zamin ke liye bhatakta raha
gali mein ghar tha nishan dhoondhta raha barson

pehle tumhari rooh mein
ab jism mein bhatakta hoon.....

"labo se chum lo,aankhon se tham lo mujhko
tumhi se janmu toh shayad mujhe panah mile"
labo se chum lo......
labo se chum lo, aankhon se tham lo mujhko
tumhi se janmu toh shayad mujhe panah mile....
tumhi se Janmu toh shayad Mujhe PaNah mile...
labo se chum lo aankhon se tham lo mujhko........

"do saundhe-saundhe se jismjis waqt ek mutthi mein so rahe the
bata to......us waqt main kahan thabata to........us waqt tu kahan thi


"main aarzu ki tapish mein pighal rahi thi kahin...
main aarzu ki tapish mein pighal rahi thi kahin
tumhare jism se hokar,nikal rahi thi kahin
bade haseen the.....
bade haseen the jo,
raah mein gunah mile

tumhi se janmu
toh shayad mujhe panah mile.....
labo se chum lo,
aankhon se tham lo mujhko...

"tumhari lau ko pakedkar jalne ki aarzu mein jab
apne hi aap se lipat kar sulagh raha tha
bata to.....us waqt main kahan thabata to.....us waqt tu kahan thi

"tumhari aankhon ke......
tumhari aankhon ke saahil se door - door kahin
main dhoondhti thi mile khushbuon ka noor kahin
wahin ruki hoon...wahin ruki hoon,
jahan se tumhari raah mile
tumhi se janmu to
shayad mujhe panah mile......
labo se Chum lo.....
aankhon se tham lo mujhko.

JUST A THOUGHT

APNE HAATHON KI LAKEERON MAIN BASALE MUJHKO
TERI HUN APNA NASEEB BANA LE MUJHKO

MUJHSE TU POOCHNE AAYA HAI WAFA KE MAANE
YEH TERI SAADA DILI KAHIN MAAR NA DAALE MUJHKO

KHUD KO MAIN BAANT NA DALUN KAHIN DAMAN DAMAN
KAR DIYA AGAR MERE HAWALE TUNE MUJHKO

BADHA TO PHIR BADHA HAI MAIN TO ZEHER BHI PI JAOON
SHART YEH HAI KI APNI BAHAN MAIN SAMA LE MUJHKO

LONGING FOR LATTE

It was like any ordinary coffee table we sat on, in any ordinary cafe, like any ordinary two people, but not any ordinary conversation...it was ordinary but not `any`...it only engrossed the two of us...individualized. I ordered a latte. He ordered an espresso. He was eyeing everything except my eyes. He swept a nonchalant glance at me, then looked at the crowded tables around us, and said, "I like your new neck piece, is it new?" I nod my head. I had worn that neck piece four times before.
I take a puff at my cigarette and it fills my mouth with a stinging taste. I take a sip at my latte hoping the bad taste will wash away. I look at him and ask cheerfully, "So what made you wake me in the middle of the night for a cup of coffee?" "Ah, i don`t know...I thought i`d talk with you for a while." I smile, misunderstanding the essence of his words. He looks at me with his beautiful eyes and i see a fidgety shimmer. His fingertips do a jittery dance on the red tablecloth. I move closer, worry muffling me. I wrap my steady fingers on his sweaty hands and ask, "What`s the matter?" He looks at me and avoids my searching gaze. His head falls in his palms and cries out, "I don`t know, really, i...ah...". I draw back and say, "Well, it can`t be that bad can it? We can work it out, we always did". But he looks at me and i know it is beyond `working it out`. He takes a long sip at his espresso, and miraculously, as if it granted him the courage, he says, " I think we should take a break". "Break, you mean like vacation?" I ask understanding, but not wanting to understand. But he crushes away that bleak moment of self-miscomprehension and says, "Well, actually no, I was referring to us...I need a break from us". I draw further back, back into myself. I sit there not wanting to react. I reach out for my marlboro and take out a cigarette. I light it and it burns...burns to ashes. I want to hit him on the head, instead i say, "So you really think we should take a break?" He nods his head and says, " It would be good for us". You mean good for you. There is no `us` in this self arranged decision. "You don`t feel good with this relationship?" "Nah, I just feel crowded with the commitment and all". I look at him questioningly. "What commitment?" I ask. "You know, being together, loyal and faithful and all. I owe it to you when i am with you".
I look around me at the other tables. It is my turn to avoid his eyes. "Ok". I say this small word to the red tablecloth with so much difficulty and he nods his head. He tries to make conversation with me, but i am unable to reply back. He is drinking too much condensed espresso, condensed, unintended cruelty...I need more of my latte. I hold the cup to my quivering lips and take a gulp of the diluted coffee...it might dilute the slap of insult he aimed at my heart.
This arrangement called `us`...I was never used to it but i tuned myself for his sake...to earn his love. I used to work so hard, adjusting, monitoring myself to this new cast I wanted so much yet despised its unpleasentness. I was never born in a couple...only one body per womb, per coffin. But i made space for him, squeezed to the edge for his sake.
"You`re a strong person. I envy you for your poise". His words come aiming at me. So it is person now...gender disappears. I look at him and draw a prideful smile on pale face. I reach out for my mug and it slips from my hands by mistake...blunder caused by confusion. "Shit! I am so clumsy". I utter these words and kneel down to gather the broken pieces...I se my latte on the floor and moan. I needed that diluted coffee...milk...whiteness. Gaurav kneels down with me, but i say, "No need, I can pick up the pieces". With privacy. "Just go call someone to wipe the coffee away". He goes, and I squat there on the floor sweeping the pieces trying to adjust them into place...to retrieve my heart. The waiter comes and wipes the latte with a mop. Just a quick `swish` with his trained hands and weapon, the mop, and the mess is gone. Along with hope.
Two months later.
I enter the cafe for a drink of coffee...it is cold outside and i need something to warm me up. The waiter comes up and asks, "Usual order, miss?" I look at him and say, "Nopes, I will take espresso please".

PLEASE LISTEN

When i asked you to listen to me and you started giving me advice, you have not done what i asked. When i ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why i shouldn`t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When i ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.Listen! All i ask is that you listen. Don`t talk or do- just hear me. Advice is cheap; two bucks will get you both the agonu aunt and uncle saviour in the same newspaper. And i can do for myself; I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something foe me that i can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. But when you accept as a simple fact that i feel what i feel, no matter how irrational, then i can stop trying to convince you and get about this business of understanding what`s behind this irrational feeling. And when that`s clear, the answers are obvious and i don`t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what`s behind them. Perhaps that`s why prayers work, sometimes for some people- because God is mute, and he doesn`t give advice or try tofix things. God just listens andlets you work it out for yourself. So please listen, and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn- and i will listen to you.