Sunday, November 1, 2009


Here is a list of things I am thankful for :


I haven't had a lot of happiness in my life. I first had to learn to like
myself once again. For a long time I did not like myself very much
because the people around me were always making me feel like nothing. I
know I am something. I can look in the mirror today and like myself
again. To me that is a success.


I try to be a good friend. Sometimes people think that I am too caring
or too nice. I like to listen and if someone needs help, I am usually

My Job

I like my job. I love dentistry. I'm proud to be a doctor. I like the fact that I'm able to bring a smile on a patient's face when I relieve him/her from the pain. Some people might think my job is boring but when I see a patient's face light up when I do a good treatment. That to me
is a triumph!


I don't worship money. I know I need it to pay my bills but other than
that I do not look down on people without it. I think people put too
much emphasis on status and wealth, that makes the rest of us suffer in
ways like if your clothes are not designer label sometimes you get put
down. So what I shop Westside and Shopper's Stop sometimes, I am
glad I have clothes on my back! Even socks!

In the grand scheme of things, who the hell cares where I buy my pants!


I care about people. I see so many people rushing around being rude.
Pushing and shoving to get stuff. That is rude. I don't understand
rudeness and somehow it is almost a sign of being cool in this society.
What a world it would be if we all were kind to each other.

Its not a weakness to be kind. Its a strength. It is easy to be rude.


Love is beautiful and I think falling in love is a precious gift from
Heaven. I'm glad to have him in my life.


Enjoy each day like a gift and treat others as you would want to be

P.S. Dear all, this is my last post on the blog for some time now. I'm getting married this month. Pease wish me all the luck. I need it. thank you so much for reading my blog and leaving your comments. its been a lovely association and I hope to return back to blogging as soon as my new life permits me.

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Sunday, September 20, 2009


Now that I'm finally said yes to matrimony, many of my friends and well wishers keep asking me what makes my fiance "MR RIGHT" for me.

Now lets see how it all happened:

As it happens in an arranged marriage scenario in India, I too went through the grind of meeting prospective guys (the potential husband material), his parents and all. and each time I was left exhausted and pained. It was just that I kept meeting nerds and bigger nerds and the biggest nerds. one of them even when to the extent of asking me whether I could make round chappatis (trust me I ran for my life after hearing that). every meeting would leave me drained and I had actually started wondering whether my "MR RIGHT" exists at all or not.

I met my fiance through some common friends. When I was first told bout him, i knew one thing even before I spoke to him was that this time I was going to handle this my way. It gets way too traumatic when parents get involved and things dont work out eventually.

The first day we spoke, we mutually decided not to broach the subject of matrimony (even though both of us started talking because we were looking to get "settled" in life) and just be friends. No parent involvement, no social pressure and no goadinf from each other also to push ourselves into this relationship. We spoke, spoke at lenght. we met once, twice, thrice. And we just clicked. I realized this first and I did not hesitate in taking the first step towards him. Because I believe that there is no harm in pursuing someone when you know he's good and he could be the one with whom you could spend your life with.I was beginning to look forward to talk to him and was actually beginning to like him. It dawned me that we were truly in sync with each other - common goals, interests and personal beliefs. We just let ourselves be our own person and just let it flow. Our discussions became lenghtier as we delved more into each others lives. His honesty and stead fastness made me very attracted towards him. HIs live and let live attitude made me completely believe that he is the one for me.

So was it just these these things which convinced me about him??? No. There's more. He was interested in listening to me, wanted to know more about my dreams, my aspirations rather than my culinary skills. He was such a refreshing change. I knew it that he is the man who will let me be myself, not curb me and my desires, who will respect me for what I am and not make me change for him. He will respect my need to be an individual in my own right rather than be just known as his wife.

And when someone good looking comes with all these amazing qualities, he's got to be your

"MR RIGHT". I have found him when I was least expecting to find him. I got lucky.

So have you met your "MR/MS RIGHT" as yet???
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009


NOTE: Please dont read further if you are easily offended.

I recently met a woman - once a bright beautiful girl and that day she seemed a ghost to me, almost corpse, a dead pan expression on her face. She looked like as if the desire to live had been sapped out of her. Now what set my mind ticking was, how did a spunky, full-of-life, smart girl turn into this withdrawn , dark, listless woman. On asking around, I came to know that she is a victim of marital rape.

From that day onwards my mind is in a turmoil. i'm disturbed and distressed at the way things have not changed for us women. with all our education and financial independence, our state still remains the same.

Marital rape is not uncommon in India. Infact I presume its quite prevalent not only in the rural setting but also in our urban middle class and elite society as well. What I really dont understand is how does a marriage give a licence to the man to treat his woman like a chattel? Is marriage only about sex? What about friendship, love, respect?? Where do they stand in the texture of this entire thing called marriage? Why do men think its their right to trample over a woman just beacause she's his wife? What kind of a man forces himself on his wife when she does not want it? Is she not entitled to her wishes, moods and emotions? Its her body that you're playing with!!!!Do men even realize what kind of mental trauma a woman goes through when forced upon this manner??

I have read it a lot of time and even heard men gloating "Its my right and your duty to give it to me when i want it". RIGHT is it?? Who gives them this right to force themselves on their wives against their wishes. Its mostly our society who gives them this so called "right". Our men have been brought up in this manner where they give two hoots to the wishes of their women. DUTY is it?? If its the woman's duty to give him the pleasure is it not his duty to give her the respect she deserves?? Again its the texture of our society which gives the man this unprecedented freedom to abuse his woman.

Why cant a woman say no when she doesnt want to have sex with her husband? If that is the point then the husband should also not refuse her when she wants it. If "headache", "my cycle is goin on" are considered excuses according to him, then "i'm tired", "pressure at office" are also equal excuses according to us women? And why is that "no" not taken in the right spirit? Why is that men find it humiliating and demeaning when refused sex? Why does a 'no' entail rape and physical abuse? Why are women branded as 'sluts' and 'whores' when they make the first move and told that a woman should not behave in this manner?? Why??? Is a man's body needs different from a woman's body needs??

So why is marital rape still happening?? Why are women still forced upon?? Why are women physivally and mentally abused when they say no?? Why are women still treated as second class citizens in the society?? And why are we, women, letting our men get away with all this??
When will we get the respect that we deserve both at home and outside??


Marital rape is a punishable offence under the Indian penal code. Women can complain if they subjected to this violent act by their husbands. But how many of the victims come forward todo that? Most of them never come to light and I believe in many cases the police refuses to lodge the complaint siding withe man saying its their internal matter. In such a scenario the woman has to put her foot down and say no. thats the first step. SAY NO. DONT LET YOURSELF BE TRAMPLED LIKE THIS. Rest will follow. When we get the courage to say no and keep it that way the battle will become easier. But FIRST SAY NO. THE FIRST STEP WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.

P. S.

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Thats what my fiance told me after we got engaged:

I'M THERE........"

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Monday, September 7, 2009


It is Sunday. Not yet dawn. A few streaks of a promising day etch through
the darkness of the endless night. A night that sends him into thoughts
of her. He tries to escape the lingering memory but no matter. Her
presence is etched into the very fabric of his being. From the way she
drinks her coffee, to the pictures on the wall. It's been a month since
he's seen her and it's like no time at all. She lives in his heart always

"Is this madness I feel?", he asks himself as he looks in the mirror,
then laughs at his own reflection. Touching his face, it is like he is
looking at himself from outside his own body. "Am I here?", he thinks
to himself, shakes his head and heads over to the kitchen, pouring
himself a cup of coffee. Taking a deep sip, closing his eyes, trying to
get some sensibility back. "There is no rhyme nor reason, I simply love her.",
he concludes to no one at all, just whoever is listening somewhere out

For the past month, he has a ritual he does each day, getting up early
and meditating, pondering the same thought over and over. Mostly going
over the last conversation he had with her. He likes to tease her as
she is sensitive. She didn't understand the joke and pulled away. The
past month, he gave her the space. The space is silent,like the desert,
full of regret and the whats ifs of his yesterday. Why did he have to
tease her so? Doesn't she know he was joking? He wants desperately to
drive over to her house and knock on her door, pride stops him. The
thought of this mind game she is playing tortures his heart. He loves
her, doesn't she see this?

He prepares himself for his daily walk to the park, bringing his journal
with him and hope that the change of scenery will fill his heart with

It is early morning as he walks out of his house and the sun peeks out
bringing the promise of a new day. A bright beginning for
possibilities. The streets are still and quiet as he walks the half
mile to the park, yet today, he decides to stop by the cafe for a
while, to just read the newspaper and just listen to the chatter of
regular people going about their day. As he enters the cafe the smell of coffee filters through the room. It is a comforting smell and the warmth of the cafe draws him

"Hey, nice day, isn't it? Want a booth or a seat at the counter?", the
waitress asks.

"A counter seat is fine.", he shuffles over to the counter and sits.

"Just a coffee."

"Nice day, isn't it?", she says as she pours his coffee.

"Yep. I stop here before I go to the park."

"Cool, nice day to sit and watch the world go by. Just don't get lost in
that world!", she says jokingly. "Want a newspaper to read? I'll go get

"Sure, that'll be great."

She gets the newspaper and hands it to him. He opens up to the comics
immediately to read what Archie is doing today. He likes Archie, always has. Yeah, if he was him, he wouldn't be sitting in this
cafe alone. Archie would find a way to get her back! He smiles at the

He sits for several minutes sipping his coffee and just reading the

Paying for his coffee, he exits the diner. "Thanks, have a nice day",
the waitress says kindly.

He exits the diner and crosses half a street, when suddenly a car barely
misses him. The driver beeping the horn, shouts out the window. "Watch
where your going, mister!" He looks into the windshield of that car and
it is her!

"Sadhna! Gosh, I thught I'd drop in but I never dreamed it would be like

"Oh, my God!! Prateek!! I almost hit you with my car! Are you alright? Let
me pull over."

She pulls her car over to the sidewalk and stops. She is shaken as Prateek
walks over to the window. "Open your window please, Sadhna."

"Prateek, I'm shaking, I'm so sorry, but you have to watch crossing the
street! Is something the matter ?"

"Sadhna, how come you are avoiding me? It's been a month since we last spoke. I
care about you, don't you know that? I was just joking around with my
note that day. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

"I know Prateek. It's not you. I've been having some personal problems and I
wanted to handle them myself. I just needed some "me" time. Prateek did you think I
was mad at you? I am not. I love you darling. Forgive my silence. Why don't
you get in the car, we can drive to the park and just be together.

"That's so ironic, Sadhna, I was heading for the park to think about

"Well, now you can think about me, while I am here and not keep me under
your hat. I am flesh and blood and I am here to listen to you Prateek.
Just know that this happen for a reason. We are both too proud to open
up, so fate steps in and opens the door for us. "

"Yes, Sadhna, our silly pride makes us put love under a hat."

"That's a good one, love under a hat! Sounds like Cat in the Hat".

"I'm just thinking how long it would have been before one of us would have decided to break the silence? Or what if we just decided to remain silent? Then what?"

"Yes, silence is silly, isn't it, when words can heal your heart."

This could be your story and mine too and anybodys and many times it has happened that we have decided not to speak about our feelings, our thoughts and just go about doing our thing hoping silence would make things better???? I have done it many times but now I know its not the right thing to do....sometimes silence creates deep cracks which are very hard to mend....So today if you have been silent about anything, go speak your mind...dont bottle up inside...words are more healing than silence......

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Sunday, August 30, 2009


She had been so careful not to let Mehul know too much either about her work or her past. Not to let him go deep inside her life and heart. They had said he’s all right so she became his friend. They had warned her so, that she cannot have any attachment to this man. It was too dangerous. He’s innocent.

‘So am I!’, she protested at the time. And she was wrong, and she was right. She knew they were right too. She said to herself that she could stop it anytime she wanted to. She knew she was wrong about this. Who can stop love?

‘I like cappuchino at CCD’, she said, more to herself. Looking down her feet.

‘Then let’s go there. Much better there than here’

‘I can’t’

For several silent seconds she stared deep into his eyes, the window of his soul. Searching for a reason to hate this man. There’s nothing there but deep worries.

‘You emit light, Mehul’, she whispered.


‘Knowing you is probably the best thing that has happen to me and it will be for the years to come’

Suddenly his throat went dry. She’s breaking up with him. They never officially dated and he never exactly told her he loves her. Maybe she got tired with all of the uncertainties. Women expect their boyfriends to blurt the words all the time. This seemed like a good time. Maybe
he should tell her he loves her. And then maybe she wouldn’t leave him.

‘Maya, I love you’

She looked startled to his spontaneous declaration. Mehul could swear she looked disappointed. Or maybe angry? It was very cold outside and the snow blurred your vision. Is she crying? Perhaps. He had to say it.
If it could make her stay then why the hell not?

‘Thank you’ was all she said. His heart sank.

All scenarios went through his head. What can I do to make her stay? Should I beg? Should I get on my knees and beg her to stay? Should I cry infront of her, coz I would if she leaves me. Oh God, please...

‘I don’t expect you to understand anything Mehul. I can’t even ask you to forgive me for what happened. I’m sorry’

‘No. No I don’t understand, and that’s why you have to explain to me. What happened Maya? What is going on? Something happened while I’m away that’s for sure. Did I do something wrong? Tell me and maybe I can fix it’

Mayaa tried so hard not to cry. Her eyes stung and hurt. At the corner she could see the woman wearing a black coat looking at her watch. She’s been standing there all the time while Maya was talking to Mehul. She wasa looking impatient now.

‘Please, Mehull’, she whispered slowly and hugged the speechless man. His scent, his warmth, his deep voice tone while talking to Maya, she would miss all of it.

Mehul unsure on what to do wrapped his arms surround her frail figure. Inside, his heart was starting to break to pieces. But he would not give up just yet.

She let go of him and stared at him with some determination in her eyes.

‘I want you to know that I do love you. I hope we will get to meet again, Mehul’

‘Where are you going?’

She just smiled to him and walked away. Something just punched Michael right on his chest. The blow didn’t injred him physically but the damage was unfathomable. He stood there paralyzed for some seconds before he could moved his legs and start chasing her.


Mayaa kept on walking to the lady in the black coat. A white car pulled by and she opened the door for her.

‘Maya! Wait!’

But she didn’t look back. She got in the car followed by the lady in the black coat and the car drove away. The tail light disappeared on a curb.

Maya’s apartment was already cleaned empty. They didn’t let her leave anything behind. Not even a note for Mehul. No one knew where she went, or who she was. Nobody knew if she had any relatives who could tell Mehul where she’s gone to, and no one at work knew anything else except then that she loved dogs and was very quiet girl.

Maya just disappeared. And if only Mehul was crazy on his search for clues he would’ve find out
that there were no fingerprints on her apartment. It never crossed Mehul’s head when he read in the newspapers how a human bomb who was later discovered to be a woman, had blown herself in the capital during republic day killking a lot of innocent people with her could be Maya.

Spring came, and Zena demanded to be taken for a stroll on the park one afternoon. Passing the bench, Mehul didn’t stop. A young couple had occupied the bench now, talking with papercups of coffee in their hands. He walked into CCD and ordered a cappuchino. A distant voice could be heard, 'I like the cappuchino at CCD.'

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Secure In Your Love I feel















forced out sometimes,






these are a few

of the emotions

I experience from being

secure in your love.

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009


People love to talk about days gone by. Like they were heaven-sent and glorious.
Pure and playful. Full of colours and joys!
Have you ever wondered why our parents generation keeps reminiscing about the quintessential good old days?????
I am sure that people were people then too. Just with a whole lot less stuff!!!!!
Remember the way people used to sit around the verandahs, balconies, their door steps and watch the world passing by?????
Do you see much of this these days? Do you even know your neighbours?????
When was the last time you spoke to a distant cousin of yours in america????
When was the last time you wrote a letter instead of posting your good news on twitter, facebook, orkut or your blog??????
No wonder then our grandparents and parents miss the good old days when life was more about emotions, humanity and simplicity!!!!!! Not the dry materialistic tech savvy life like we and our children are living today.

I challenge you to take one week out of your busy life and do nothing!

Just sit on your balcony, door step, front lawn, whatever, and listen.

Try to imagine your life with out electricity. Would it change the way
you breathe? The way you feel the warmth of the sun? The scent of
flowers and trees blooming in springtime? Of course not! We just take
these things for granted and we got too busy with our stuff to take the
time out to smell the roses. like the famous lines:
"Life is nothing if full of care
We have no time to stand and stare"!!!!!

The good old days were hard, no doubt about it. People didn't have the good health care and technology that we and they have today.
But....they did have time to enjoy what was around them
They took walks in the park, went to temples, gurudwaras, churches, did charity,nursed the sick and joined the army. God and country were valued and land was a legacy to be treasured.
A man's land was his own and could not be taken away by greedy developers and politicians to make profits. People were made of different stuff then.

Today, people are just living in a virtual illusion of materialism and the media brainwashes us into wanting more "stuff" to make our lives better. There is a race in every sphere of life. Nobody wants to be second in anything. We are living in a world of unhealthy competition. Its just that the realization has not dawned upon us. And when it does it will be too late to turn human beings once again.

The truth is people were much happier then but just didn't know it. We allowed the
media to tell us what to think and we gave up a piece of ourselves.

I think the good old days have something to teach us. They are telling us to be human beings again. Those days are telling us to be quiet again, stop, take a breath and think of yourself.

And please, turn off that damn cell phone...

AND...listen to the birds sing!

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Friday, July 31, 2009


From the time I've gotten engaged, friends and family have been surfing through all the astro sites possible to check out my compatibility with my fiance. He's an aquarian - a quintessential 'cool' guy and I'm a scorpio - a 'possesive' woman. And so far all that I've heard is that tese two sun signs are not compatible in any way. In astrology this is not a traditionally advisable match. Once the newness of the relationship wears off, the two people concerned don't get along well at all. Now i personally do not believe in all this... I feel that even if he was of any other sunsign, my compatibility and comfort level with him would have remained the same....You can definitely have traits of your sun sign but they do not make you the person that you are at the end of the day....lots of other factors play a vital role in shaping up your personality as a whole. Nevertheless I too read through some of the pages on the net but more interestingly i came across something very fascinating....A short list of scorpio women married to aquarius men.....So here goes:

Julia Roberts (scorpio) married to Danny Moder (aquarius)

Demi Moore (scorpio) married to Ashton kutcher (aquarius)

Rebecca Romijin (scorpio) married to Jerry O' Connell


Aishwarya Rai (scorpio) married to Abhishek Bachchan (aquarius)

So from the look of the names above, seems like my fiance and me are in elite company!!!!!!!

Cheers!!!! Here's to the both of us!!!!!!

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Thursday, July 23, 2009


Dear Papa,

I've just realized that in less than 4 months from now I will no longer be your little girl. I will be happily walking down the married path with the man who has made all the difference in my life.
This letter is just to tell you how lucky I am to be born as your daughter. Thank you for bringing me in to this world, thank you for instilling the right values into me…..thank you for giving me two elder sisters who have been both friends and mentors to me....
Thank you for teaching me to have high standards in life, to work hard and try harder, to have confidence in myself, to be proud of my religion and culture and thank you for always believing in me and letting me be me.
Thank you for making me understand what hard work really means. To appreciate the simple things in life. Never to succumb to comparisons in life. To always put family first. It's a bitter-sweet time for me, as I begin to build a new home of my own and leave a home where I have always been your princess. At one hand the new life beckons me and on the other hand my old, carefree life is slipping away from me. I'll be stepping into a new role of adulthood, into a new role of a wife with lot of new relationships in life and I've had the best example watching you and mom. Your love for each other and the understanding you two share never ceases to surprise me. I just hope I’ll be able to emulate the same love and understanding with my partner.

I'm glad I'll have you to hold my hand while I walk down the path of marriage and step into a new world. I can't promise you that I will not cry at the bidai, but I do promise that you'll always be my hero.
I might get a new last name, but I won't forget where I came from.
I am and I will always be your daughter first, Papa.

Monday, July 20, 2009


As always he's sitting, there, smiling.
I'm so elated.
I wrap my arms around his neck, gently kiss him on the cheek before greeting him,
"Dad, I have so much to tell you......"
I get up with a start.....
Its been over ten years since he's been coming to me in my dreams.
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009


There comes a time in ones life where the realization that perfection in
ones life does not exist. The possibility that we aren't perfect,
never were perfect and never will be perfect becomes more clear and
more evident then ever before.

Where what we believe and the way we live no longer come hand in hand.
Our beliefs whether it be religious or otherwise, and what we actually
do. We do as we want, or at least in some ways seeming so, maybe out
of a discrete curiosity to serve our own hunger, or because of a need
to satisfy someone else's desires or dreams. Where we see what we want
and not what others want us to see.

There comes a time in ones life where we must face the reality that we
are living life itself, and that life is not living us. Our fate has
not been predetermined, it is not set in stone. We can at any time
change the direction we lead ourselves, we can at any time decide which
road to follow. We become blind to these roads, head down them not
knowing what is hiding beyond the curves. Sometimes finding great
things, other times finding things we'd rather keep hidden. We find
things out about ourselves we'd rather not, things we thought we were
incapable of. It comes down to it, that we are not invisible from
things great or small, good or bad, evil or kind.

The importance of these roads leads us in many directions, teaching us
Life Lessons great and small. These lessons help us to learn and
without them, our realization if life would be much harder to help us
in the next road. The lesson, the triumph or mistake, there is
something to be learnt from it, to be taken away from it. Things do
happen for a reason.

We have the choice to dream, to believe and to believe in our dreams.
At times it may seem hard to grasp that what we believe is right in
front of us. Yet at times it is even harder to hold on to what we

Life is a journey that never ends. It has no destination, no arrival
time and many stops along the way, each one giving us something to take
along with us for the ride. There are those that wait for us at each
stop. Those I believe that have been put there to serve a purpose.
Not all these people are with us for the duration of our journey; some
are there for short periods to teach us something specific, while
others are there to help us through a trying time and to provide
comfort in times of need. These people; friends, teachers, loved ones,
are there for a day, a week, a month. Some are there for longer, they
become the ones we share our lives with, a best friend, a lover,
someone who becomes a permanent part of our being, a part of our heart,
and our soul. They are the ones we gave a part of ourselves to. They
are there to give you life, bring you joy, and even bring you sorrow.
They may stay with you or they may go their separate ways. Because
life is a journey and because it is ours to follow, because it leads us
in many directions with new, different and exciting things to learn,
explore and experience, it sometimes takes us away from these friends.
As they find their own life, we find ourselves growing apart from them.
They do however leave that mark in our lives, in what we do and how we
do it, how we see things, in our heart and in our soul, serving the
purpose ultimately brought to them.

We ourselves are brought here to serve a purpose, one that is unknown
till the right time comes. As it is that we are brought here to serve
a purpose it is also obvious that we are brought here to experience a
wide range of emotions. Happiness, sadness and most importantly of all
LOVE. With love coming from many different aspects in our life,
whether it be family, friends or a lover, it in itself can bring a wide
range of feelings that can come with it. From the certain love of
family, the feelings of friendship, the feeling of having someone to
share all your most prized achievements, and accomplishments, you're
deepest secrets and just someone to share special moments with.
Although all these are the epitome of love the most sacred of all loves
comes from that of a lover, one you can allow yourself to call a
friend, to call family, feelings ranging from lust, romance and true
feelings of everlasting love.

As I sit here reading and writing what I have seem to have learned in my
short time on my journey, I look back and realize that I have a whole
lot more traveling to do, with so much more to explore. My purpose in
life not yet found. My mistakes in life plentiful and very evident,
the lessons learned from them more so.

Through all these experiences and Life Lessons, the biggest things I've
come out of all my journey so far is to never to let anyone discourage
you, don't let someone tell you that you can't do it. Chances are,
they tried and they failed. You never know what you're good at till
you try it, and just because you don't get it the first time, doesn't
mean you'll never get it. Do for yourself first, live your life, live
your dreams, and become your deepest desires. Don't let those with
ambition discourage, they'll only hold you down. Don't be in a hurry
to grow up, there's always time for that, but you can never turn back,
it's never too late to fulfill a dream. Love like you've never loved,
cause you never know what may come of it, and finally dance like no one
else is watching cause it's your dance.

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Friday, July 3, 2009


This post has been selected as Blog Adda's Spicy Saturday Picks....
This post is just to say a thank you to Blog Adda and all the bloggers who read the post, left their valuable comments......When I had started writing this post, I was in a traumatic state of mind...And it was just meant as a rambling on my part....I wanted to vent out and what better way than blogging....
Thank you once again everyone.....
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Thursday, July 2, 2009


Some more rain songs which are my favourite:

Na jaane kahan se aayi hai - Chaalbaaz
This has to be one of the most hilarious rain songs ever in Hindi cinema. The song unlike other rain songs does not give in to lust or passion but is a rather cute song picturised on Sridevi and Sunny Deol. This song is all madness and amusement. Sridevi dressed in the most outrageous outfit combined with an equally over-the-top- headgear is a treat to watch. The gay abandonment wioth which she dances and sings this song relegates Sunny deol to a position of an extra in this song!!!!! Its Sridevi all the way…..

Megha re megha - Lamhe
A very traditional Indian song picturised yet again on Sridevi. This song is all about welcoming sawaan (monsoons) in our lives. The song is set in Rajasthan where celebrating the arrival of the season is done with lot of pomp and show. This song shows Sridevi, all adorned in finery, sitting on the jhoolas with her friends, crooning this song which announces the arrival of rains, thereby bringing in a lot of joy to the people who otherwise live in the desert state yearning for water.. The music by Shiv-Hari and vocals by Lata and Ila Arun make this song a treat to watch. Add to it the beautiful picturisation and not to forget the voyeuristic, pleasurable look on Anil kapoor’s face as he watches the divine Sridevi serenading in the rains.

Aaj rapat jaye to hame na uthiyo - Namak Halal
He is the superstar of the millennium. The best. An institution in himself. So even if its just a paltry rain song, Big B has to be the best even in that. Just check out the way this man can floor you. There is only one word to describe this song and that is HOT. A cartwheel has never appeared this appealing and Smita Patil (in one of her best roles in a commercial movie) has never looked this sensuous on the screen. It’s a personal favourite. Its one of the sexiest rain songs ever.....

Dekho zara dekho barkha ki jhaari - Yeh dillagi
Another Yash Chopra song. This song is not a lyrical gem and neither does it boast of great music so why is it in the list? What makes up for this otherwise ordinary song is the beautiful picturisation and the lead pair. The highlight of this song is the couple. The easy funloving vivacious Kajol paired opposite a gawky, serious, staid and awkward Akshay Kumar makes a lovely picture. The way Akshay overcomes his shyness and gives in to the infectious charm of Kajol is a delight to watch. Matching steps with steps, madness with madess and just not caring is something which Akshay learns from her not only in this song but also in the entire movie.This is one rare onscreen pairing seen in Hindi cinema. I wonder why anyone has not repeated them again?

Scene from Kuch Kuch hota hai
Now please dont ask why this is in the list of rain songs (its my blog).....I just had to include this because its my most favourite rain scenes ever....Sharukh and Kajol are looking so much in love that its just difficult to believe that they are just good friends.....boy...hats off to such beautiful acting....And I love the second when Kajol realized that she is engaged to Salman Khan...the dilemma on her face is to die for...I think even in real life I wont be able to get this expression should I find myself in such a situation....

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Friday, June 26, 2009


To say that I am appalled would be an understatement.
Recently one of my friends (who happens to be educated and working as well), who is seven months pregnant was forced to undergo a sex determination test by her in laws and husband.. The result was not surprising….its a girl child and my friend has been told to give up the child to her husband’s sister who cannot have children….
What’s the argument and logic behind this forced decision of theirs on her?
Well my friend can have another child after some time. And she has to deliver a male child otherwise the marriage is over. And since the relative in picture cannot have any children, so she would be happy even with a girl child.

Now I know the husband very well, he’s a software engineer working for one of the biggest IT companies in the world and that is what has traumatized me even more. What forced him to behave in this inhuman manner is something which I’m not able to take…does having a son mean so much that you can go to such extents as to give up your child ? Which father does that and which husband forces his wife to give up their child and not feel remorseful about it….The day the child is born will she not tug at her fathers heart??? I asked my friend this question...Here is what she told me
The husband has already told my friend that he does not wish to see the child!!!!!
And what about you....I asked her....
Well, she said, she does not have a say in this matter, if she rebels the marriage is over.....and she would not like to burden her parents who still have two more daughters to marry....
Iwonder what will that girl feel when she grows up and comes to know that she was given up by her own father for a brother????

I am so upset that I don’t even know how to react…I mean if people from such affluent and educated back grounds can resort to all this then what hopes do we have for the girl child??? When I was told all this by her I asked her why did she agree??? Isnt it high time that we women stand up for our rights ? Who are they to tell us that we cant keep our daughter with us? Isnt it time that we stop abusing our bodies just to produce a male child??? What if thenext child is also a girl….do we go in for third???? And if that too is a girl then what???? How can we let someone do this to us???? Whats the use of education and financial independence if we, women are just looked upon as procreating machines and that too with specifications (produce only male child)???? Ha!!!! Has not education, self empowerment, opuurtunities and financial independence helped us to overcome these prejudices. Looks it has not, otherwise you and I would not have heard of this thing happening right in front of our eyes.

I don’t know why my friend gave in to this kind of pressure??? Does this marriage mean so much to her that she is ready to give up her child for its sake???? I told her, you are educated, you earn well, you can look after your daughter and yourself and not be a burden on your parents....She asked me that she does not wish to live with a social taboo of being known as a divorcee and what will she tell her daughter about her father....that he left her mother because of her....what impact will this have on her as a person???? She asked me, what if she blames me when she grows up and knows all this....she told me that she would not be able to tackle all that so its better to put and end to it right now.... I was a little taken aback with her reasoning but then how much can you question and argue with someone who has already made up her mind....Even friendships have limits...

All I know is that we cannot do this to ourselves…we owe it to us to stand up against this. What is even more unbelievable is that all this has been done knowing very well that this is a punishable offence under IPC. Inspite of knowing it these people went ahead with this. I am ashamed to say that this is status of laws in our country. None of this will get reported, no action will be taken against the doctor, the husband, the inlaws, no one…..

Speaking for myself, I know that I will never undergo a sex test no matter what happens. And if producing a male child is the be all and end all of being married I refuse to be tied down in this sort of matrimony where I am looked upon as nothing but a child – excuse me – a male child producing machine. I’d rather walk out of such kind of marriage where so many prejudices are harboured against the woman and girl……I will not give up my identity as a woman just to sustain this relationship which anyways will be a farce if it comes with this kind of baggage...Thanks but No, thanks......

I just wish my friend had the guts to stand up against this but today I’m praying that God gives her strength to overcome this and also courage to stand up for herself in future. Because if we dont stand up for ourselves no one else will!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, June 24, 2009


She had swore that she wouldn't, she would never let it happen to her,she wasn't like the other girls, she was different, at times she thought better even. But he was special. He was like no one else she had ever met. She had tried so hard to stay away from him, knowing it was wrong, knowing she would be going against everything she stood for, everything she had believed in. But to her it seemed impossible. She felt drawn to him, attracted to him so strongly that when he was around she couldn't think straight. All she could see was him, all she could feel was him, there was no one else except him.

She still remembered it all so clearly like it was yesterday. Every time she closed her eyes he was there. His perfect face grinning at her, his bright brown eyes burning into hers. If she tried hard enough she could almost remember how it felt to touch him, to feel him next to her. The first time she had seen him she knew he was different, not like the many others that she knew. He had touched her heart, brought down the barriers that she had worked night and day to build. His every presence, his every touch, every tender caress had knocked them down one by one.

She remembered the first time she had met him. Her cousin had brought him and his mom over to their house. She had nearly slammed the door on him without realising he was there. But once she had seen him she knew that she wouldn't ever forget him. He was imprinted in her head for as long as she remembered those wonderful memories. Sometimes it drove her crazy thinking about all the times they had shared, all the things they had done together. But what tore away at her heart was the memories of what it felt to kiss him, to hold him, to make love to him.

She remembered the first time he had kissed her. They were standing in her drawing room. He had brought her home from a movie. She was surprised at how the whole time they were there he hadn't made a move on her. To an extent she was even disappointed. But now here they were standing opposite each other. He kept on saying he was leaving; yet he made no attempt to move towards the door. She had teased him saying she would see him tomorrow, asking why he hadn't left yet, what was stopping him. He said goodbye once again as he moved towards her. He had moved until he was inches away from her face. She felt his hot breath on her face. “You know, I'm not leaving without a kiss” he said huskily staring into her eyes. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat; she looked at him then to his lips. She knew it was wrong, her brain was telling her to run, to stop this before it started, to get away from him as far as possible. But she froze to the spot and whispered, “Well what are you waiting for then?” Her heart pounded as he moved even closer towards her and reached out his hand to touch her face. He brushed the strands of hair that fell into her eyes. He gently caressed the side of her cheek down to her chin. Tracing his fingers around her face until he found her lips. He gently brushed his fingers over them looking at her so intensely, she felt unable to breath. She felt his fingers on her lips and yearned for his lips to touch hers. He finally brought his face closer to hers; she tilted her head waiting for him. He placed his lips on hers and she parted her lips to receive him. She felt his lips crush hers; she felt a rush through her whole body. She could feel the sensation take over her whole body as he continued to kiss her even intensely. She moved her body closer towards him until she could feel her chest press against his. She felt his arms around her as the kiss deepened. She felt her whole body awaken, every fibre in her body was responding to his touch. It was all she could do to pull away from him, trying to catch her breath. He stood there perfectly still, smiling at her. “You know next time, that's not going to be enough” he said as he reached his head forwarded and planted one final kiss on her cheek before he left. She knew exactly what he had meant and her heart skipped a beat at the prospect of what was to come.

The tears rolled down her cheek now as she remembered those memories,those wonderful memories that were going to torture her for as long as she remembered him. She wiped away the tears and looked around at the room. The room, which she had shared with him. She tried to block out the memories of both of them together smiling, laughing, and crying. She looked around the room from the cupboard where he kept his clothes to his desktop where he worked, until her eyes rested on the double bed that they had shared. Her breath caught in her throat as she replayed the many occasions that they had spent making love. She remembered his every touch as if he was touching her for the first time again. The pain was unbearable and she had to look away. She walked over to the door where her bags were packed. She bent down and picked them up. She turned around for one final look before she locked the door. She walked away slowly at first, then faster wanting to get away. She knew it was the right thing to do. She had nothing left to stay here for now. As she walked away, she knew that this very second he was marrying her cousin, making the lifetime commitment that he should be making to her.

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Thursday, June 18, 2009


Its a working weekday evening....
I'm neck deep in work....
And somehow in between hysterical patients, sloppy administaration, hopeless hoousekeeping amongst other things, I have actually sat down to write a blog post....
Talk about being addictive....
Actually todays blog post was a kind of thought which had started forming since monday afternoon....and since I could not actually make it into a full fledged decent post, I just left it there and instead wrote about my engagement *blush* *blush*
Well, anyways coming to the post, since some time my mind had been ticking along the lines that how do bloggers find each other in this blogosphere, how come they started visting each ither and how were blog bonds formed?????

Here is how i found about the various blogs that I visit :
**Some blogs were fopund when I was googling the word "blog"

**Some I found through social networking sites that I am part of

**Some were listed in the best indian blogs

**Some blogs were results of long boring working days when I started visiting my favourite bloggers' blogroll

** Some were found when I read a link on a random blog I came across while surfing

**Some bloggers were who leave a lot of comments on the blogs that I frequent

**Some are people whose blogs I always read but never comment

**Some bloggers were found when they left comments first on my blog and I started visiting them

All this really makes me wonder, how you, the visitors, the regular commentators, found my blog, sarted reading and leaving comments.....
And I also wonder about people who silently visit me, people I dont know and I wonder whether I would enjoy reading their blogs if they have one....

So MIND BOGGLING is this world of BLOGGING

P.S. everybody reading this post, do let me know how you found my blog.......
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Monday, June 15, 2009


Oh the unexplainable feeling of being completely in love...

Letting go of all inhibitions and giving all yourself to another person,

Seeing their smile and knowing that all your problems are gone,

Melting completely at the gentle caresses ot their voice,

The touch of their hand calming all fears churning inside you,

Feeling invincible in their arms,

Losing ability to breathe when you see their face,

Then, you look into their eyes, the windows to their very soul,

Knowing from the silent words spoken there that they too are lost in the wonderfully blissful turmoil we call LOVE...

P.S. This post comes from the fact that I am engaged now :D
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Friday, June 12, 2009


It is monsoons...
The streets look washed....
Skies look silver and misty.......
The trees are swaying.....
The air smells fresh.....
The world looks great.....
Its time to clear your throat and hum a rain song, for rains are finally here!!!!!
Here goes the list of my favorite rain songs from Bollywood........

Lagi aaj sawan ki phir wo jhadi hai - Chandni
OHhh....the anguish of unfulfilled love touches a chord down there....add to that the haunting music of Shiv-Hari and Suresh wadkar's lilting voice. The picturisation too is beautiful with both the ladies - Sridevi and Juhi Chawla - looking stunning in rain soaked avatars. Vinod Khanna as the anguished lover looks perfect. The lyrics too are poignant enough to create a stir within you and your heart goes out to Lalit (character played by Vinod Khanna) as he sings this beautiful song in the memory of someone he loved dearly. Truly a Yash Chopra gem.

Rim jhim gire sawan - Manzil
Oh I love the Lata version more than the Kishore’s. This version is a lot more happier, bubblier and less serious than the one just picturised on Amitabh. Not to say that I don’t enjoy the other version but visually this song is a delight. The picturisation is all about letting go off your inhibitions and just soak in the joys of life. An afternoon bunked from work just to be with your man and get drenched in rains holding each others hands – o boy just my idea of a perfect date. Moushami and Amitabh make an odd yet an endearing couple and what is specially appealing in this version is the way Moushami is running on the Marine Drive parapet holding Abhi’s hand. Divine I tell you.

Pyaar hua ikraar hua hai - Shree 420
This is the iconic song picturised on Bollywood’s first couple – Nargis and Raj Kapoor. Who can ignore the sizzling chemistry between the two, The look on Nargis’ face as she shares an umbrella – so near yet so far – with Raj. The beautiful lyrics “ Kehta hai dil rasta mushki, Malum nahin hai kahan manzil “ so aptly describes the turmoil which the couple is undergoing even while professing undying love for each other. What makes this song so amazing is the presence of three kapoor kids crossing the road even as Raj Kapoor sings, “ Hum na rahenge, tum na rahoge, Phir bhi rahengi nishaaniyan”. Truly Raj Kapoor and Nargis live on with the legacy they left behind. This song ti;ll date remains unparalled in Hindi cinema. A rare gem which comes once in a lifertime.

Choti si kahani se - Ijaazat
No protagonist, no situation, no drama, no romance. What kind of a rain song is this, you would ask. Well, this is one rain song which is sensuous and beautiful in its own unique way (Check out the video). This song comes during the first credits of tge film. The beautiful falls, the train passing through the ravines and haunting lyrics by Gulzar saab combined with Pancham Da’s magic makes this one of the loveliest rain songs ever in Hindi cinema. If aesthetics in association with water has to be found expressed in all the imaginable water formations, from ice to rain to gurgling streams to meandering rivers and finally to tears, it has to be this song. It has epitomized water in its entireity and it maybe considered one of the finest ode to the magnificient gift of nature that is rain.

Rim jhim rim jhim - 1942 A love story
RD Burman’s swan song. Unfortunately, Pancham Da did not live to see the magic his score created among masses and classes alike. A saree clad coy Manisha Coirala hilding a frilly umbrella in her hand, being wooed by the handsome dude, Anil Kapoor makes this song a visual delight. The leading pair adds to the song with their wonderful chemistry as they sing and get drenched in the rains, trying to forget the ravages of partition that the country is going through at that moment. This song beautifully penned down by Javed Saab is one of the most aesthetically pleasing songs seen in Hindi cinema.

More to follow soon...........

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Thursday, June 4, 2009


I'm standing at your door step.
You are in your shorts with the door half open.
I enter.
I ask " Do you want to carry on ?"
You say, "No, I was just watching a movie."
I'm standing here and wondering whether you understood the question.
I walk off quietly.
Away from your life.
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I enter the empty house, picking your post-it from the floor, again.
"Gone to get dinner, BRB."
But you never did.
The scent on your pillow is spent.
I sleepwalk through days.
I dream most nights.
Cars crash.
Muggers mug.
Hearts stop, not mine.
I put the post-it back on the fridge.
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Saturday, May 23, 2009


What do I want from life? I’ve really been trying hard to figure this out and know what I want. And I think that figuring this out is something that everyone should probably do. But it really is hard to figure out. I don’t even think I know it all yet...but still, what do I want?
I guess I’ll start what I know:

• I want to be the type of person who is liked and respected by others.
• I want to experience love, savour it and keep it with me for the rest of my life
• I want my life to make sense.
• I want closure, to be able to forgive and forget.
• I want to enjoy what I know of life.
• I want to make a difference as a human being.

And I think that, above all, I just want to be happy.
Truly happy.
The kind of happy that comes from fulfillment and contentment from what I have in life. That is what I want. But how do I get happiness? I think equally important to knowing that I want happiness in life is knowing how to get it.

So, then for my next question...What makes me happy? This I’ve discovered, is all about the little things. So, what makes me happy?

• reading a really good book
• eating tonnes of ice cream
• the autumn in Kolkata
• gossiping with my sisters
• being alone, with all the space I need to think
• watching a really, really good movie
• having deep conversations with someone I didn’t know could think that way
• laying in bed after a hard day of work, knowing that I really accomplished something
• realizing that I truly care about someone and that that vulnerability is ok with me
• learning something new and cool
• hanging out with friends who know EXACTLY who I am and don’t care
• laughing so hard that I feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups

There’s so much more that makes me happy, but in reality, most of those things are the smaller details in life. Maybe that’s just what I have to focus on - the little things. Just living. Making the most of what I have right now.Granted, I don’t know if being happy is the meaning to life, perhaps it’s not - but I don’t know of any other way to go right now, and at least this gives me something to fashion my life around right now...

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Thursday, May 21, 2009



When two people desire nothing more than to please each other in thoughtful, caring ways, this fuels a feedback cycle that increasingly gains energy and grows. Thus from a spark which casts a light of possibility blossoms a sustainable landscape which can beautifully erupt from time to time in blazes of passion that prove the power of love.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I met Rakhi almost a year ago, and we have been living together almostas long. It was truly love at first sight. We met at my boss Anand's birthday bash. I had no idea that Rakhi, or anything even as gorgeous as her, worked in the building until that party. If I had, I would have made certain, somehow, that we would have met sooner. It has been a fabulous year with her, and I very deeply in love with her.

Lately though I have been having doubts regarding the return of my love from her. She had begun to act indifferent towards me. You know how women get sometimes. This began about a month or so ago. I suspected she was cheating on me, though I really had no proof of that. That is, not up until last night, when I found out for sure. I had suspicions, you see, and I had to prove them true or false, once and for all. I tried to get Rakhi to tell me what was on her mind - I knew there was something disturbing her - but each time I approached her on it, she shrugged it off as my imagining things. But I could tell that something was not right with her. After all, I've been around, you know. There had been other women in my life before her.

So, after dinner last night, I told Rakhi that I had to go out of town on a business trip, and that in order for me to be where I needed to be in the morning it was vital that I left that night. She seemed nonplused about my going. It was at that point that I felt sure something was wrong. Just a few months ago she would have pleaded with me to stay, and depart instead in the early morning, and she might have even suggested she come with me. She no longer works, and that was at my urging. I didn't want a bunch of horny guys, such as the ones that occupy the Jubilee Building from nine to five weekdays, hitting on her. She was mine, and I meant to keep it that way, and cut down the competition as much as possible.

I was gone, with even a packed suitcase, by seven p.m. I drove to the mall, took in a movie, then stopped at a coffee shop for a cup of tea and a brownie. I drove around for awhile, then shortly after eleven o'clock I returned to the apartment where Rakhi and I lived. Well, as suspicious as I was, it was really no surprise to find my pretty lover nestled up cozily in our bed with someone else. But it was who it was that she was in bed with that surprised the hell out of me!

It was my fat lout of a boss, Anand, married with three kids, that was sharing my bed with Rakhi! "Well, I'll be damned!", I said, not knowing what else to say, as I entered the bedroom. Anand just grinned in my direction, rather mischievously. Rakhi, turned red at the sight of me, and attempted to pull the covers over her head, apparently in an effort to hide her embarrassment of the situation.

It was Anand who finally spoke out. "Oh, come on now," he said to me, "Don't look so surprised. You must have suspected this for some time now. Why else would you be here? If indeed you were going out of town on business, I would have known about it, right? When Rakhi telephoned me and told me you had gone out of town on business, I told her that was not true. So, we figured you had something going with someone."

Then he laughed. Anand pulled the covers down from Rakhi's face, and she lowered her head down, purposely avoiding eye contact with me. "I admit it," I said. “I had no intentions of going out of town, and I don't have anything going with someone else either. Rakhi has been acting rather strange lately, and yes, I did suspect she was seeing someone else from time to time. But I never thought it was you, Anand." "Why not?", he chuckled. "I may be a bit older than you, but I can still do the job."

Again, he grinned, and I was strongly tempted to hit him, or at least curse him out, but the fear of possibly losing my job held me back. I still might have done it had not Rakhi at last spoke out. "I'm – I'm sorry, darling, " she said in a shaky voice. "But I guess I just wanted some variety. That's all it is, believe me. I still love you, and I always will." And I did believe her! It was the way she said it, and right there with Anand, her part-time lover, present to hear it. “Why didn't you tell me?” I asked her. "I would have understood." "I – I don't know," she replied. I guess I was afraid to. I wasn't sure how you'd react, and I didn't want to lose you. I never want to lose you." "Well, I don't know what to say now," I admitted.

Then it dawned on me! They must have wanted me to catch them at it. Anand knew damn well I had no business meeting out of town in the morning, and he already had revealed that. He had said that he even told Rakhi that fact when she called him earlier. Thus, they wouldn't have chanced being together, at least not here! It was as if they read my mind now. "We hoped you might come home, honey, " Rakhi said sweetly. "Why?", I inquired, puzzled. "Well ......" She hesitated, then sighed. "Come on, tell me," I urged. "Why would you want me to catch you and Anand in our bed?" "Well, we – we want you to join us, darling," she said softly. "What?!" I shouted. "Join you?! Are you insane, Rakhi?" "No – really, honey, " she pleaded. "All three of us could do it together. It might be fun. Anand has brought it up before, and we'd both like to try it, if – if you're willing." "Well, I'm not," I bellowed. "There's no way in hell I'm going to let some guy go down on me or vise-versa!"

Well, I don't know how they did it. My boss Anand is a pretty big guy, and somehow he and Rakhi overpowered me and the next thing I knew I was there in bed, between the two of them, and we were going at it like mad! I even had to admit afterwards, when the three of us were laying there sipping the cool and bubbly champagne that Anand had so thoughtfully brought with him, that it hadn't been so bad after all. I don't really know what the hell I expected it to be, but when you have been a confirmed lesbian for as long as I have, I guess you think of doing it with a man as being the most grotesque thing possible. But it wasn't. In fact, I'm looking forward to our next threesome very much. "More champagne, Anamika?" Anand asked me, smiling broadly. "Sure," I replied, smiling myself, "Why not?"
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Once there was a flower.

It was an unusual flower, one of a kind.

There had never been another like it before.

It's bright red petals were silky soft.

It grew straight and tall.

The flower loved the sun.

Each day she raised her face up to it.

She would soak up its rays and bask in it's warmth.

She hated rainy days.

She hated not being able to see her lover the sun.

She would curl upon herself, hiding her beautiful petals and sulk because the rain was falling.

One day, when the sun was shining bright, she confessed to him her love.

She begged him to never leave her.

The sun was flattered, he never knew the beautiful flower loved him.

He shone down upon her, granting her wish, day after day.

The foolish flower soon withered and died.

She never realized that the rain gave her life as much as the sun.

All of us need to have sunshine and rain in our lives, or we also will wither and die.

P.S. At times I am a foolish flower.
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Saturday, May 9, 2009


I was tagged by IHM to list down things which are emotional atyachar for me.
These are just the few things which make me see red:

1. Rude people. I cant stand rudeness thats it. Especially when I'm being polite, trying to be reasonable and the other person is hell bent on making it ugly.

2. Indian media, especially electronic. Their know-it-all-attitude, leaves a bad taste in the mouth and to a certain extent even exposes the ignorance of media to certain sesnsitive issues. The Indian media has especially been insensitive while covering the Mumbai carnage.

3. Bias against sexual minorities. I mean why is a person's sexual orientation more important than the person he/she is ? Does being straight make me a better person than them who have different preferences. No. At the end of the day ther person remains the same so why be biased ?

4. Gender inequality in all spheres of life. Why is it ok for a man to be "sexually promiscous" while a woman behaving that way is considered a slut? Why do many fathers tell their "to have fun" while telling their daughters they should not? Why is that sons get to inherit properties but not daughters? Why is marital rape not considered a crime? Why is a woman not entitled to equal rights in bed?

5. Terrorism in any form. Not necesssarily bombs and killings but also authorities harassing innocent civilians in the name of law amounts to terrorism for me. I mean what kind of law states that your luxury ac car will be used for election duty irrespective of whether you want to give your car or not? Is this not terrorizing innocent people?

6. Insenstivity of any kind - be it in a relationship, to domestic helps, to beggars, to animals, anything. I am totally averse to insenstivity.

7. Riots, goondagrdi and total manmani spearheaded by politicians in the name of religion. Religious intolerance is something which I have never understood.

8. Censor Board of Film Certification (CBFC). How can a handful of people decide what an entire country should watch or not?

9. Bad cutomer service, anywhere and wherever. Totally uncool.

10. Nosey relatives asking me when am I getting married. For all them I just have this to say GO FISH.
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Monday, May 4, 2009


I sit here smoking, drinking, thinking about you, and asking myself questions which have no answers. Who is he? Why him? Why me? Where is he now? The questions will always be there, never fade. But, in the long run, that's okay.

Can't you see? I want you a lot, but I love you so much more. I don't know why, I feel this way. You have captured it all, my mind, my body, my heart, and, yes even now,my soul. I gave it to you freely, to do what you want with it. But I must beg you to be kind. Please don't hurt me.

For I couldn't recover from this love which is so blind. You are my world it's so plain to see. You are the light which guides me. What does she have that I don't? What is so great about her? Is she better than I? Does she love you more? Could she love you like I could? I don't know.

And that's why I fear in the long run she will always have what I don't .


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Friday, April 24, 2009


I can still remember the day that Yash took me to the airport so that I could go home for Diwali one more time. Little did I know it was going to be our last happy time together. We had our whole lives to look forward to. Everything was perfect, all smiles on the surface and storms brewing underneath. Yash made plans to shop for a wedding ring the old fashioned way, shopping himself. I made plans to sleep with an old lover of mine. With my bags packed and a hopeful look at the future, we got in the car and headed towards the lights of the city.

Somewhere along the way, I heard a song "Dil dhoondhta hai phir wohi", and for an instant I thought of Sameer. I wondered where he was and if he was happy. For just a moment I said a little "what if" and then let it go, like a butterfly in the spring.

Later that same evening I arrived in Kolkata for a routine Diwali vacation. My mother took me out to dinner and I told her of my plans to marry Yash and live for a while. She took a deep breath and held her tongue. There were so many things she longed to tell me, so many truths she wanted me to see. But how does someone reason with a person who has lost her reason? Somehow we managed to get all of my luggage in the house and calm down a dog who was tripping over his tongue to see me. I had just started unpacking when the doorbell rang. It was late at night and I had no idea who it was. Like a kid ripping the paper off an unexpected Christmas present, I ran to the door opened it, and almost fell into his arms. There was Sameer standing on my doorstep looking down at me. Had it only been two years since I had seen him last? My heart came to life and began to beat in a way I had nearly forgotten. We hugged like old friends often do and regrets began to flood my mind. As soon as they were formed I pushed them away, like I had done so many times before. We sat there in the entry way of my house and talked for a while about the weather and friends we hadn't seen in a while and how life was treating us in general.

"I'm getting a divorce. Suhani left me months ago."
"I'm getting married." I told him. Now where did that come from? A little voice inside my head told me to take it back. But this was the path we had chosen, Yash was the right one for me. He was what I needed, and besides I didn't love Sameer, I never had, had I?

Sameer took a deep breath and looked at me, "Married, huh?" His eyes plummeted to the floor and silence filled the house. "Do you love him?" Once more he looked in my eyes and saw straight to my soul. There was no lying to him. "Oh Yash is a wonderful guy. You should see the way we work together,and he loves me so much. He works for a big corporation and makes good money, so he'll be able to take care of me. And he's so sweet." The words poured out of me and flooded the room, drowning out my true emotions.

When Sameer walked out that night I breathed a sigh of relief as angels above groaned in exasperation. There was no way I was going down that road again. I had Yash in my life and that was all I needed. Things were going to work out just fine. I made false promises, telling Sameer that I would call him so we could talk. For a reason I didn't quite yet understand, I was afraid of him. I had worked so hard to build up a sense of security, and on some level I knew Sameer would disrupt the house of lies I was living in.

The day after Diwali, Sameer called. It's funny how such a little thing would change my life so profoundly. He wanted to see me. Not the next day, or next week, it had to be at that very moment. My eyes closed, I took a breath and walked to the edge of that cliff when I heard myself say yes. We spent all night driving around the city, looking at Diwali lightsand dancing around the unspoken words that were wrestling beneath the surface. Somehow or another we wound up parked by the jetty under the white moon. Each of us waited for the other to speak. The silence finally became so thick I was drowning, I couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes and grasped on to a memory of Yash and the laughter we shared. He was the man I was going to marry. Anything that might go on between Sameer and me that night was going to stay in Kolkata, right where it belonged. That was just the way it was going to be, there was no disputing that. I couldn't let my heart rule my life; logic was the path for me. There was no way I was going to jump into the pool of molten emotion that Sameer laid out before me. My mind was made up, the final decision made. And then he said he loved me.

By the time I got home everything that I had based my life upon was yanked out from underneath of me and I found I could fly. My faith, my hopes, my dreams and my love had all been handed back to me on a silver platter wrapped neatly up in three little words. I stood in the entryway of the house where Sameer had come a week before and laughed out loud. This time I heard the angels laugh along side of me. The sun was rising in the east as I slid out back for a forbidden cigarette. I lit up and took a deep drag. Somewhere I heard a bird sing and a voice from the past echoed through my mind. "Shreya, I just met the most amazing guy."

The most amazing guy was finally mine.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Pushed away by the rumors and lies, I didn't speak much to Sameer anymore. I had lost my best friend and the man I loved in a matter of weeks. So I did the only thing anyone could have done, I went on with my life; returning to the institute with my head hung low and my shattered heart locked safely in a mountain of ice.

In time men, liquor and dreams floated in and out of my existence. With each new passing romance I tried desperately to convince myself that I was in love. Each time, the bitter truth held in my heart floated to the murky surface. I was haunted by images of a familiar face blurred by the events of the past.

Over time we stopped talking all together. Sameer had gotten married, or so I heard and had no time for an old friend from high school. I was living my life, searching for the only true thing I had ever lost. Have you ever searched diligently for something when you didn't know what it was? I had worked so hard to tell everyone around me that I had never loved him that I actually fooled myself. What is it that they say about fooling a fool? My life was chaos, I had no direction, no purpose and I prayed for an end to this life.

Five years and several cities later, I found direction in a man who loved me, or at least thought he did. Yash was sweet, wonderful and kind. He was everything that I wanted in a man. We had a whirlwind romance and when he asked me to marry him I said, "yes." It made sense and I was supposed to be happy, these were happy times. So why was I still left with an empty feeling inside of me? There was something missing from this state of perfection, and I didn't know what it was.

I didn't want to know.
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Monday, April 20, 2009


"Shreya, I just met the most amazing guy in art class. His hands are so." and then she sighed and giggled all in one breath, tossing her beautiful curls to one side. It was the college final year. It was spring time. Outside the leaves were falling away from each other, dancing to the ground. For me, it was the beginning of the end or maybe the end of the beginning. How could I have known that Reena's newest heartthrob would be the man my heart had only dreamed of?

Sameer and Reena dated for the rest of the year. Lucky me, I got to be the third wheel, audience to their budding romance. As the year went on, I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with my best friend's boyfriend. My hands acted often of their own accord, finding some petty excuse to touch him; I lived for those moments. Though in the end, mournful sighs, stolen glances and a heart full of black rain were all I took home at night. Every day was a challenge to keep my secret hidden behind glass walls. Each excruciating night I lived in a fantasy world where my lips knew Sameer's often and well. I felt as though every beat of my traitorous heart was a betrayal of our friendship. Years before, Reena and I had solemnly vowed to never to let a man come between us. What was I doing?
After a graduation filled with such sweet sorrows, Reena and I went to post graduate institutes, not together thank God, but institutes nonetheless. Separated by miles and the cost of a phone call, we talked together every day over our newfound toy, the Internet. Like the leaves on the trees only a year before, Reena slowly transformed before my eyes. Each day she spoke less and less of her upcoming marriage to my love and more of the new flame in her life, Dhruv. I had the privilege of carrying her stolen kisses with me in my soul. In any other situation the right path would have been clear. I would have told Sameer. But if I told him, how could I know if it was for his best interests or mine? My heart, torn between the loyalty to a friend and the honor of my being, ripped my soul to shreds.

Finally it came time for us to return home for the holidays. Diwali was on its way. Familiar music and festivities was apparent all around, even in the airports, as strangers smiled and rushed home to their roots. It should have been a joyous occasion, but my preoccupation with the gravity of her betrayal and mine pulled me into a spiraling inferno. By some magical twist of fate I got back into Calcutta before she did. I was dreadfully looking forward to spending some time alone with Sameer. Without Reena, maybe he would finally see the intensity of my feelings for him. But what if he could see through the lies I carried for her.

It was a crisp winter night when Sammer picked me up for an innocent drive. His words told me he just wanted to say, "hi," but I knew he wanted answers to questions I didn't want to think about. The prayers I sent to heaven that night were chaotic ramblings not easily sorted by the divine. I badly needed to set the record straight, but I was so terrified that he would ask me. How did I get myself into this situation? "Tell me the truth, you know Reena better than most. Has she been cheating on me?" The words I had feared echoed through the darkness. Now there was no hiding from the decision I had been tiptoeing around. "Sameer, you know she wouldn't do that. Don't be silly." My words flew before I could even consider the consequences. Inside I was screaming, "yes! She is cheating on you. Look at me; Look into my eyes. I love you!!"

Almost as if he had heard me he turned and looked into my eyes peering straight into my soul. "I thought you might say that." Sameer shook his head, and for the first time I saw sadness in his usually jovial eyes. His hand lightly grazed across my knee as he reached for the glovebox. My body was on fire and my head whirling. Sameer placed a pile of letters in my lap. "Read these." The pages contained words written for his eyes only, and yet there I was greedily absorbing every word. With each passing syllable, I saw how she had dishonored me and lied to me every step of the way. There had been no aspect of our friendship that hadn't been soiled by her duplicity. My heart exploded, now I would be justified in telling Sameer the truth. There was nothing sacred about Reena; the knife she used was dull, rusty and sticking out of my back. So then why did I still feel bound to her?

"His name is Dhruv, isn't it?"
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