Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I enter the empty house, picking your post-it from the floor, again.
"Gone to get dinner, BRB."
But you never did.
The scent on your pillow is spent.
I sleepwalk through days.
I dream most nights.
Cars crash.
Muggers mug.
Hearts stop, not mine.
I put the post-it back on the fridge.
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Saturday, May 23, 2009


What do I want from life? I’ve really been trying hard to figure this out and know what I want. And I think that figuring this out is something that everyone should probably do. But it really is hard to figure out. I don’t even think I know it all yet...but still, what do I want?
I guess I’ll start what I know:

• I want to be the type of person who is liked and respected by others.
• I want to experience love, savour it and keep it with me for the rest of my life
• I want my life to make sense.
• I want closure, to be able to forgive and forget.
• I want to enjoy what I know of life.
• I want to make a difference as a human being.

And I think that, above all, I just want to be happy.
Truly happy.
The kind of happy that comes from fulfillment and contentment from what I have in life. That is what I want. But how do I get happiness? I think equally important to knowing that I want happiness in life is knowing how to get it.

So, then for my next question...What makes me happy? This I’ve discovered, is all about the little things. So, what makes me happy?

• reading a really good book
• eating tonnes of ice cream
• the autumn in Kolkata
• gossiping with my sisters
• being alone, with all the space I need to think
• watching a really, really good movie
• having deep conversations with someone I didn’t know could think that way
• laying in bed after a hard day of work, knowing that I really accomplished something
• realizing that I truly care about someone and that that vulnerability is ok with me
• learning something new and cool
• hanging out with friends who know EXACTLY who I am and don’t care
• laughing so hard that I feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups

There’s so much more that makes me happy, but in reality, most of those things are the smaller details in life. Maybe that’s just what I have to focus on - the little things. Just living. Making the most of what I have right now.Granted, I don’t know if being happy is the meaning to life, perhaps it’s not - but I don’t know of any other way to go right now, and at least this gives me something to fashion my life around right now...

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Thursday, May 21, 2009



When two people desire nothing more than to please each other in thoughtful, caring ways, this fuels a feedback cycle that increasingly gains energy and grows. Thus from a spark which casts a light of possibility blossoms a sustainable landscape which can beautifully erupt from time to time in blazes of passion that prove the power of love.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I met Rakhi almost a year ago, and we have been living together almostas long. It was truly love at first sight. We met at my boss Anand's birthday bash. I had no idea that Rakhi, or anything even as gorgeous as her, worked in the building until that party. If I had, I would have made certain, somehow, that we would have met sooner. It has been a fabulous year with her, and I very deeply in love with her.

Lately though I have been having doubts regarding the return of my love from her. She had begun to act indifferent towards me. You know how women get sometimes. This began about a month or so ago. I suspected she was cheating on me, though I really had no proof of that. That is, not up until last night, when I found out for sure. I had suspicions, you see, and I had to prove them true or false, once and for all. I tried to get Rakhi to tell me what was on her mind - I knew there was something disturbing her - but each time I approached her on it, she shrugged it off as my imagining things. But I could tell that something was not right with her. After all, I've been around, you know. There had been other women in my life before her.

So, after dinner last night, I told Rakhi that I had to go out of town on a business trip, and that in order for me to be where I needed to be in the morning it was vital that I left that night. She seemed nonplused about my going. It was at that point that I felt sure something was wrong. Just a few months ago she would have pleaded with me to stay, and depart instead in the early morning, and she might have even suggested she come with me. She no longer works, and that was at my urging. I didn't want a bunch of horny guys, such as the ones that occupy the Jubilee Building from nine to five weekdays, hitting on her. She was mine, and I meant to keep it that way, and cut down the competition as much as possible.

I was gone, with even a packed suitcase, by seven p.m. I drove to the mall, took in a movie, then stopped at a coffee shop for a cup of tea and a brownie. I drove around for awhile, then shortly after eleven o'clock I returned to the apartment where Rakhi and I lived. Well, as suspicious as I was, it was really no surprise to find my pretty lover nestled up cozily in our bed with someone else. But it was who it was that she was in bed with that surprised the hell out of me!

It was my fat lout of a boss, Anand, married with three kids, that was sharing my bed with Rakhi! "Well, I'll be damned!", I said, not knowing what else to say, as I entered the bedroom. Anand just grinned in my direction, rather mischievously. Rakhi, turned red at the sight of me, and attempted to pull the covers over her head, apparently in an effort to hide her embarrassment of the situation.

It was Anand who finally spoke out. "Oh, come on now," he said to me, "Don't look so surprised. You must have suspected this for some time now. Why else would you be here? If indeed you were going out of town on business, I would have known about it, right? When Rakhi telephoned me and told me you had gone out of town on business, I told her that was not true. So, we figured you had something going with someone."

Then he laughed. Anand pulled the covers down from Rakhi's face, and she lowered her head down, purposely avoiding eye contact with me. "I admit it," I said. “I had no intentions of going out of town, and I don't have anything going with someone else either. Rakhi has been acting rather strange lately, and yes, I did suspect she was seeing someone else from time to time. But I never thought it was you, Anand." "Why not?", he chuckled. "I may be a bit older than you, but I can still do the job."

Again, he grinned, and I was strongly tempted to hit him, or at least curse him out, but the fear of possibly losing my job held me back. I still might have done it had not Rakhi at last spoke out. "I'm – I'm sorry, darling, " she said in a shaky voice. "But I guess I just wanted some variety. That's all it is, believe me. I still love you, and I always will." And I did believe her! It was the way she said it, and right there with Anand, her part-time lover, present to hear it. “Why didn't you tell me?” I asked her. "I would have understood." "I – I don't know," she replied. I guess I was afraid to. I wasn't sure how you'd react, and I didn't want to lose you. I never want to lose you." "Well, I don't know what to say now," I admitted.

Then it dawned on me! They must have wanted me to catch them at it. Anand knew damn well I had no business meeting out of town in the morning, and he already had revealed that. He had said that he even told Rakhi that fact when she called him earlier. Thus, they wouldn't have chanced being together, at least not here! It was as if they read my mind now. "We hoped you might come home, honey, " Rakhi said sweetly. "Why?", I inquired, puzzled. "Well ......" She hesitated, then sighed. "Come on, tell me," I urged. "Why would you want me to catch you and Anand in our bed?" "Well, we – we want you to join us, darling," she said softly. "What?!" I shouted. "Join you?! Are you insane, Rakhi?" "No – really, honey, " she pleaded. "All three of us could do it together. It might be fun. Anand has brought it up before, and we'd both like to try it, if – if you're willing." "Well, I'm not," I bellowed. "There's no way in hell I'm going to let some guy go down on me or vise-versa!"

Well, I don't know how they did it. My boss Anand is a pretty big guy, and somehow he and Rakhi overpowered me and the next thing I knew I was there in bed, between the two of them, and we were going at it like mad! I even had to admit afterwards, when the three of us were laying there sipping the cool and bubbly champagne that Anand had so thoughtfully brought with him, that it hadn't been so bad after all. I don't really know what the hell I expected it to be, but when you have been a confirmed lesbian for as long as I have, I guess you think of doing it with a man as being the most grotesque thing possible. But it wasn't. In fact, I'm looking forward to our next threesome very much. "More champagne, Anamika?" Anand asked me, smiling broadly. "Sure," I replied, smiling myself, "Why not?"
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Once there was a flower.

It was an unusual flower, one of a kind.

There had never been another like it before.

It's bright red petals were silky soft.

It grew straight and tall.

The flower loved the sun.

Each day she raised her face up to it.

She would soak up its rays and bask in it's warmth.

She hated rainy days.

She hated not being able to see her lover the sun.

She would curl upon herself, hiding her beautiful petals and sulk because the rain was falling.

One day, when the sun was shining bright, she confessed to him her love.

She begged him to never leave her.

The sun was flattered, he never knew the beautiful flower loved him.

He shone down upon her, granting her wish, day after day.

The foolish flower soon withered and died.

She never realized that the rain gave her life as much as the sun.

All of us need to have sunshine and rain in our lives, or we also will wither and die.

P.S. At times I am a foolish flower.
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Saturday, May 9, 2009


I was tagged by IHM to list down things which are emotional atyachar for me.
These are just the few things which make me see red:

1. Rude people. I cant stand rudeness thats it. Especially when I'm being polite, trying to be reasonable and the other person is hell bent on making it ugly.

2. Indian media, especially electronic. Their know-it-all-attitude, leaves a bad taste in the mouth and to a certain extent even exposes the ignorance of media to certain sesnsitive issues. The Indian media has especially been insensitive while covering the Mumbai carnage.

3. Bias against sexual minorities. I mean why is a person's sexual orientation more important than the person he/she is ? Does being straight make me a better person than them who have different preferences. No. At the end of the day ther person remains the same so why be biased ?

4. Gender inequality in all spheres of life. Why is it ok for a man to be "sexually promiscous" while a woman behaving that way is considered a slut? Why do many fathers tell their "to have fun" while telling their daughters they should not? Why is that sons get to inherit properties but not daughters? Why is marital rape not considered a crime? Why is a woman not entitled to equal rights in bed?

5. Terrorism in any form. Not necesssarily bombs and killings but also authorities harassing innocent civilians in the name of law amounts to terrorism for me. I mean what kind of law states that your luxury ac car will be used for election duty irrespective of whether you want to give your car or not? Is this not terrorizing innocent people?

6. Insenstivity of any kind - be it in a relationship, to domestic helps, to beggars, to animals, anything. I am totally averse to insenstivity.

7. Riots, goondagrdi and total manmani spearheaded by politicians in the name of religion. Religious intolerance is something which I have never understood.

8. Censor Board of Film Certification (CBFC). How can a handful of people decide what an entire country should watch or not?

9. Bad cutomer service, anywhere and wherever. Totally uncool.

10. Nosey relatives asking me when am I getting married. For all them I just have this to say GO FISH.
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Monday, May 4, 2009


I sit here smoking, drinking, thinking about you, and asking myself questions which have no answers. Who is he? Why him? Why me? Where is he now? The questions will always be there, never fade. But, in the long run, that's okay.

Can't you see? I want you a lot, but I love you so much more. I don't know why, I feel this way. You have captured it all, my mind, my body, my heart, and, yes even now,my soul. I gave it to you freely, to do what you want with it. But I must beg you to be kind. Please don't hurt me.

For I couldn't recover from this love which is so blind. You are my world it's so plain to see. You are the light which guides me. What does she have that I don't? What is so great about her? Is she better than I? Does she love you more? Could she love you like I could? I don't know.

And that's why I fear in the long run she will always have what I don't .


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