Friday, July 27, 2007


3 years of loving, fighting and shring emotional space came to dust a few months ago. Yes, a lot of us have gone through break ups, some unlucky ones like me have had to live through them more than just once.

What was different with this breakup was that in letting him go i set myself free, found myself for the first time. Its almost as if there was enough place for either him or me and so when he walked out suddenly there was so much room for me to spread out.

Like most women i would re-invest even the interest i was getting in this love account so that i was assured a future with unlimited care and love.

Of course as love would have it, I was robbed off all my dreams and plans.

After having spent nearly a year in wooing me, chasing after me and nearly getting killed himself to have me by his side, he realized that he cant stand anything that i stand for. He said he despises the way i dress, the way i carry myself, how confident and independent i am etc. etc.

I was shattered initially because the easiest reaction is to drown in self pity and keep busy in "why me" crying sessions.

And then i started reading self help books. Intimacy by Osho was one of them. He says something that strikes a right chord PEOPLE ARE INTIMIDATED BY AN ATTRACTIVE PARTNER. I thought about this; it makes sense doesn't it? Its so much safer and easier to be with someone who is inconspicious, who does not have any real opinion and most of all who does not attract others.

Its all a power trip; you want to be in control of each situation and that is really tough when your partner is at the same level as you.

So my healing process started after this revelation. I realized i was intimidating my boyfriend and in this case it was a woman who was the stronger partner. The realationship started showing cracks when he started getting insecure about the fact that i was better than him in all respects. In the past I supressedmy very independent traits and even condemned myself for wanting my own space against his liking. But the cracks turned into fissures and finally we broke up.

But now i believe that if you do not accept yourself how can you allow someone else to accept you? If you dont love yourself how can anyone else?

Each day i learn something new about myself. I realized the other day that i'm capable of getting past my worst fears; whether its abseiling down the tenth floor of a building or seeing him with another girl. I love that ability I have. I think each one of us owe it to ourselves to spend at least half the time we spend loving someone else to getting know ourselves and falling in love with us first.

I BELIEVE IN KNOWING AND LOVING MYSELF FIRST. A relationship with someone is important but what is more imperative is to have a loving relationship with yourself first. That does not mean i am selfish or narcisstic. It just means that i am happy being myself.

1 comment:

moon's muse said...

I needed this.You wrote this for me, right?You knew someday some girl is going to read this post and know things will be okay!

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