Somewhere along the way, I heard a song "Dil dhoondhta hai phir wohi", and for an instant I thought of Sameer. I wondered where he was and if he was happy. For just a moment I said a little "what if" and then let it go, like a butterfly in the spring.
***
Later that same evening I arrived in Kolkata for a routine Diwali vacation. My mother took me out to dinner and I told her of my plans to marry Yash and live for a while. She took a deep breath and held her tongue. There were so many things she longed to tell me, so many truths she wanted me to see. But how does someone reason with a person who has lost her reason? Somehow we managed to get all of my luggage in the house and calm down a dog who was tripping over his tongue to see me. I had just started unpacking when the doorbell rang. It was late at night and I had no idea who it was. Like a kid ripping the paper off an unexpected Christmas present, I ran to the door opened it, and almost fell into his arms. There was Sameer standing on my doorstep looking down at me. Had it only been two years since I had seen him last? My heart came to life and began to beat in a way I had nearly forgotten. We hugged like old friends often do and regrets began to flood my mind. As soon as they were formed I pushed them away, like I had done so many times before. We sat there in the entry way of my house and talked for a while about the weather and friends we hadn't seen in a while and how life was treating us in general.
"I'm getting a divorce. Suhani left me months ago."
"I'm getting married." I told him. Now where did that come from? A little voice inside my head told me to take it back. But this was the path we had chosen, Yash was the right one for me. He was what I needed, and besides I didn't love Sameer, I never had, had I?
Sameer took a deep breath and looked at me, "Married, huh?" His eyes plummeted to the floor and silence filled the house. "Do you love him?" Once more he looked in my eyes and saw straight to my soul. There was no lying to him. "Oh Yash is a wonderful guy. You should see the way we work together,and he loves me so much. He works for a big corporation and makes good money, so he'll be able to take care of me. And he's so sweet." The words poured out of me and flooded the room, drowning out my true emotions.
***
When Sameer walked out that night I breathed a sigh of relief as angels above groaned in exasperation. There was no way I was going down that road again. I had Yash in my life and that was all I needed. Things were going to work out just fine. I made false promises, telling Sameer that I would call him so we could talk. For a reason I didn't quite yet understand, I was afraid of him. I had worked so hard to build up a sense of security, and on some level I knew Sameer would disrupt the house of lies I was living in.
***
The day after Diwali, Sameer called. It's funny how such a little thing would change my life so profoundly. He wanted to see me. Not the next day, or next week, it had to be at that very moment. My eyes closed, I took a breath and walked to the edge of that cliff when I heard myself say yes. We spent all night driving around the city, looking at Diwali lightsand dancing around the unspoken words that were wrestling beneath the surface. Somehow or another we wound up parked by the jetty under the white moon. Each of us waited for the other to speak. The silence finally became so thick I was drowning, I couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes and grasped on to a memory of Yash and the laughter we shared. He was the man I was going to marry. Anything that might go on between Sameer and me that night was going to stay in Kolkata, right where it belonged. That was just the way it was going to be, there was no disputing that. I couldn't let my heart rule my life; logic was the path for me. There was no way I was going to jump into the pool of molten emotion that Sameer laid out before me. My mind was made up, the final decision made. And then he said he loved me.
***
By the time I got home everything that I had based my life upon was yanked out from underneath of me and I found I could fly. My faith, my hopes, my dreams and my love had all been handed back to me on a silver platter wrapped neatly up in three little words. I stood in the entryway of the house where Sameer had come a week before and laughed out loud. This time I heard the angels laugh along side of me. The sun was rising in the east as I slid out back for a forbidden cigarette. I lit up and took a deep drag. Somewhere I heard a bird sing and a voice from the past echoed through my mind. "Shreya, I just met the most amazing guy."
The most amazing guy was finally mine.
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