Monday, January 19, 2009


I have reached a stage in my life where everyone around me is:

1. married.
2. getting married.
3. planning to get married.

I go to my workplace and most of my collegues are married (some even have kids). It gets very difficult to relate to them when they talk about domesticity and household stuff. My two best friends are married and the topic of our conversation is always about my marriage. Even though they are my best friends, they sometimes get on my nerves when they start pestering me. I mean I am happy for them because they are happy this way, but other than that nothing makes me happy about the whole situation. The question, "When are you getting married?" is the bane of my life. The more I run away from it, the more it chases me!!!!

And the more I am questioned about this, the more I want to scream at the top of my lungs that have not scheduled my marriage, my future as yet. And I am genuinely not losing sleep over it.

One day I asked my sister (who of course is married) that why is everybody around me so bothered about my marriage, she just smiled and told me that people in our part of the world start thinking that something is wrong with the girl, if she isnt engaged or married by late twenties. Something is off, definitely, that the matrimonnal alliance has not taken place as yet.

That got me thinking!!!!!! Why do so many people share this point of view? Even my peers and friends. Dont we all belong to the same generatiuon? Shouldnt we give priority to our career and financial independence? In the age where so many marriages are ending up in divorces, shouldn't we take our time and make sure we arent rushing into anything. If making a rational decision and taking time to choose my life partner delays my marriage for some time more, so be it. I'm glad its happening this way.

I realize I live in a society where marriage is seen as the be all and end all of a girls life, but not everyone around here or people I know marry young. Are they also subjected to this same question?????

And its not that everyone who got married ended up happily ever after. I have seen some bitter breakups and ugly divorce battles which follow. But at the same time, I have seen some beautiful marriages and couples living out their dreanms. That what gives me encouragement (because that is what I want) and the guts to face this question from the world.

So while I'm still taking time, , I suppose I’m going to just fend off this questions with a smile and a laugh, reassuring family, colleagues and acquaintances that no, there is nothing wrong with me, my horoscope or my kismet. I am just moving forward at my own pace in that general direction, and I am OK with that. And that’s what really matters. And the day that I do decide to get married, the world and its sister will know it. So let it be, for the time being at least.
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Grisham Benz said...

a good one, this....but i need to add tht it's not just girls who face the irksome "when r u getting married?"....i totally identify wid the mess tht u find urself into...

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Latin Sardar said...

Good stuff...
I have been dealing with the same thing for a long time now. Although my way of dealing with it is rather radical than yours. I have even pretty much stopped going to family get togethers where I know this question is going to be bombarded onto me from all directions which has got me into trouble with my mum and others as well, but who cares...

The Rat... said...

u know wat?? i am genuinely amused now-a-days by this question... previously it was just my parents but now every1 throws this q in my direction..

its really irritating wen Friends try to play the match maker... Eeww.. wen ll they realize,i am least interested..

i am so so with u Meen...

i am what i am said...

grisham benz: i agree with you. but the fact still remains that in our so called indian society, the social pressure is much more on the females.having said that all i can say is welcome to the group.

narsiman: i'll surely visit your blog. thanks for stopping by and commenting.

latin sardar: i'm almost on the verge of doing what you are doing. maybe very soon. and i'm already in a lot of trouble with my dad regarding this -:)but then as u rightly said who the f*** cares!!!!!

the rat: thanks yaar. its nice to know that there are lot of troubled souls like me facing the same mess

moon's muse said...

Hello!I think we are almost the same age,but I am lucky in the respect that the nagging has not yet begun for me,neither at home nor outside.

While I do not confirm to the school of thought that thinks that a marriage is the be all and end all for all girls,I,however pondered and realized that this pressure for a girl to marry latest by the late twenties stems because having kids later,say early thirties is no-no from medical point of view.

I do not want to sound preachy and it's not the case with every woman but darn,biological clock exists for a short span of time.And if eventually you DO want to have kids,being an elderly primi gravida isn't great.

That said and done,take your time and plan accordingly.

Anonymous said...

Thnx for blogrolling me :)
Awesome post! I really enjoyed reading it..
I can bloody relate to ur state of mind...I'm 25 and my parents think I shud get married coz everyone arnd me is tying the knot
This 'society' thing and 'log kya sochenge/bolenge' syndrome is very very annoying..y can't they just let us be?? Im a spinster and im very very happy to be wht i am..
Unfortunately, its a norm in our Indian society and it is sadly considered to be the be all and end all of a woman's life.. relatives get overly intrusive and personal..v have to put up with this shit..
I believe one shud get married fr the right reasons, at the right time..

Moonie said...

just doing TP; I came to your blog and found ur post interesting.

I think the Q is bother you somewhere in your sub conscience too else you'd not really put enough important to people's question or even pestering!we all are 'socially conditioned' I guess that is the your own mind telling you that its time to find a partner.
most of the people who have responded say 'who cares' but I'd like them all and you also to think; are you sure you don't care?

my Q = what so wrong with marriage? and why is everyone getting so bothered about Qs? Shouldn't your parents/relative/friends care for you?

i am what i am said...

moon's muse:well, if having kids is the fulcrum point of this question, you can always have them without marriage!!!!!. how about adoption to satisfy your maternal instincts??? and in my case, I think God just forgot to gimme a maternal gene!!!! jokes apart, with the leaps that the medical facilities and techniques have taken,the "biological clock" can very well be overcome. if I dont find the right father for the kids that are eventually going to come, whats the use of such babies???? what say???? i would love to hear from you regarding this!!!!!!!

i am what i am said...

swats: you are most welcome. you're a pretty awesome writer yourself. i loved all the posts that i read. apart from the right reasons and right time, the person has to be right. and howe do you guarantee that? we can't (i cant who wud be going in for a arranged marriage most likely). but at leasdt some connection somwhere has to be there to take this gamble head on.

moonie: hi.thanks for stopping by. your question is very interesting. i'm not saying that i dont want to get married.there is nothing wrong with marriage as you asked. my only grouse is that the decision should rest with me. my family, relatives and friends should not breathe dopwn my neck and pressurize me into doing something for which i'm not ready as yet. and i can say this for myself at least, that yes, i dont care. not as of now for this question.

moon's muse said...

Yes,totally your point is valid about adoption.I had specifically mentioned if you want to have kids eventually,being an elderly primi gravida isn't great.

With all the progress in medical science,and I mentioned this too,though it's not the case with every pregnancy chances of congenital defects increase with the advancing age of the mother.

And I do not see it as the be end of the world,I merely suggested that this was perhaps the reason for people's concern.

You are right on mark when you say they could be adopted and even be had without marriage if you wish to.I do not condone to the idea that something miserably is wrong with a girl who doesn't get married by late twenties.Some bull shit is that.

Solilo said...

Fielding such personal questions is a favorite pastime of many. Of course you have to get married, immediately have 2 kids and then live happily ever after and all this immediately after studies.

Also it can be quiet irksome when when people around you always talk about house, husband and related stuff.

I am a mother yet I can't stand hearing about children and regular routine. I don't boast about my kids so don't tell me about yours is my policy :). Sometimes ignoring is the onyl way to go.

i am what i am said...

solilo: thanks for stopping by....i loved your posts. exactly the only way to deal with suvch questions is by ignoring them.....dats wat i do nowadays....ek kaan se suno,wahin se nikaal do....he he he

a25yearold said...

i so agree with you, like the others.. And yes the part about women facing more pressure is also true!! When are we going to understand that marraige should not be out of convenience but more of "growing old with and living together".

Vikas Gupta said...

Same here!

I can empathize with you!

I am in my late 20s, Ph.D. student, single. Most of my class mates (even juniors) are married or engaged or into a relationship but I am a bachelor, single, virgin, unemployed and whatnot!

This year probably I will have a job and then I want to quit it and become a domestic husband if the woman I love unrequitedly agrees to marry me (and if my job clashes with her scientific career)!

I am going to write a similar post very soon! I have this feeling that she reads my blog!

I have unsuccessfully aspired for the goddamn civil services exam and that is what has ruined my life so far!

Born Vagabond said...

haha ...i wonder y marriage is such an issue???
BTW when r u getting married?? :P

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